Grits & Gravy on Break

Thank you for visiting Grits & Gravy. I am currently on a break but hope to be back soon! Stay tuned for updates and a new site.

Book Review: The Darkest Corners

Let me introduce you to a page turner, The Darkest Corners by Kara Thomas. My book club chose this read for our May gathering. I opened and finished it within four days. It has twists at every turn and keeps surprising you in the best ways. I've been itching for a book that makes you hungry to finish it,  you know the ones, and it just hit the spot.

The story takes place in Pennsylvania and is told from the perspective of Tessa, who brings in layers of family dynamics, brokenness, and courage that you connect with from the beginning. As you read you discover that she and her childhood best friend, Callie, testified as witnesses to a  murder as children and haven't spoken since. There is intrigue around whether or not their story was accurate, what actually happened to Callie's cousin, who was the victim, and a towns worth of gossip to keep you guessing at every corner.

Throughout the book, you are learning about family dynamics, secrets kept by friends, healing, and the lives that happen in small towns without the knowledge of others. I was on the edge of every page and gasped out loud at the end when all the layers had been removed and the full story presented itself.

I am eager to get to book club so we can devour every chapter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

What is on your summer reading list?

Looking for great reads? Join me as I share books on my shelf and what I am currently reading. Follow along on instagram, #ReadWithGrits.

6 Months of Marriage

J and I reach 6 months of marriage and celebrated with a few date nights this past weekend. As we were watching the sunset one night, I asked what he had learned about marriage, me, or us within that time. What a great moment to pause, check-in, and see how this sweet marriage thing is going. Since that conversation, I've continued to reflect, aww, laugh, and feel real blessed to walk in marriage with J.

Some of my top reflections include things you'll totally laugh at, and hopefully be encouraged in (wherever you are in your own journey). Enjoy!

Acts of service are our lifelines to each other

I awoke the other morning to my crockpot on the counter. J had taken it down off of the high shelf we typically store it on, and I thought, I love this man. We keep our menu for the week displayed on a chalkboard (planner hearts) and he saw that I planned to use the crockpot that morning so he took the extra time to get it down for me, (a task I usually seek his help with). It was small and it was big, all at the same time. Gosh, it just feels quite nice to be considered, for my needs to be thought of and for those thoughts to be acted upon. Clearly, J and I both have Acts of Service as one of our top Love Languages and I'm so grateful for the way he serves me in that space. These small or big acts go a long way in the Fitzgerald home. 

I do really gross things. 

Several weeks into brushing our teeth together, J said to me, “Baby that is so gross!” Me, unaware of what was gross, proceeded to ask my husband what he meant. He informed me that is was beyond gross that I would rinse the sink out with my hand, as I brushed my teeth, (I’m obsessive about sink cleanliness) and would then proceed to rinse out the toothpaste from my mouth with the same hand. Clearly, he had been watching this rather gross habit of mine for weeks with pure disgust. My germophobe husband continued by telling me about all of the germs that lived in the sink and how I was putting them into my mouth under the goal of “cleaning” out the sink. You could say he had a point. And, I realized that I do kinda gross things, which I am now keenly aware of after sharing intimate living space with another person.

Honeymoon Teeth Brushing

Shared money and financial goals are key

When J and I were engaged we talked to other couples about how they managed their finances and gathered information to help inform us about how we would manage our own. We decided that we would share all of our accounts. To determine how our money would be spent, we created larger financial goals and broke them down into our monthly budget. Every few months, we review our spending to see where we are actually spending and if we are doing well at achieving our budget goals or determine where we need to make adjustments.

In full disclosure, I was nervous about shared budgeting. You know, little Miss Independence over here. Truthfully, I was more nervous about not sharing because I thought it would lead me to me vs. you in decisions or self-protecting. Both are defaults of mine, none of which are helpful. 

I wasn’t sure how I would feel or how we’d manage our different lenses regarding money, but I'd honestly say that this has been one of my favorite parts about marriage. It helped us set priorities for our family, establish long-term goals together, and have discussions prior to spending. We are on the same page when it comes to our spending, and that feels really good. It has provided freedom to give financially where others may need it and support one another in our individual and shared goals. There is great joy in knowing that your partner supports something that is important to you and helps create financial space for your passions and gifts to live. 

Bigger than all of our goals, it helps me (and I think J too) not feel too attached to those numbers in our accounts but to rather view them as gifts we are to steward well.

We should save fruit for the end of the week

I call J a food monster. Bless his heart, I don’t even know how he is so hungry but he sure is. In fairness, he works out a ton thus sustenance is needed. I have to watch myself around him because I should stop eating long before he does. This is not a matching system that will benefit this thirty something/have to work out harder just to maintain body I am in.

I took responsibility for meal planning in our home because I love cooking and testing new recipes. I also eagerly await his response on a new dishes because I seriously love cooking good food for people that they'll enjoy. It's the Southern in me. Seconds = it was good.

I have learned that I am super obsessive about all things in the kitchen, especially how things are organized and even how items are placed into the refrigerator. I'm not sure why. I just like it a certain way. We've also learned to ask before diving into leftovers, or using up something that may have been intended for a dish later in the week. 

And then there is the fruit. We both eat an insane amount of fruit. J will eat it all at the beginning of the week and I like to have a little each day to savor it all week long. So I "gently" give reminders about it lasting all week, and he's sweet so he lets me.

Well, that didn’t go as planned

In marriage counseling we heard a lot about communication. Part of me was like, how much could you have to possibly communicate about something, and then we got married. The answer would be over communicate, in detail, always. Any and all expectations. We have had plenty of moments where one of us had a plan or thoughts about how something would look or go and then it doesn't quite happen like that. Sometimes that leads to a laugh with a, "that's okay" and sometimes it leads to frustration/an argument. However our plans go or don't go, marriage has taught me a whole lot about grace for someone else, communication, and not being too attached to my plan.

It is way better than I expected

I have always been clear about wanting to be a mother. Hands down, no question. Marriage? Eh. I wasn't so sure it was really going to be for me. J wasn't so sure either. Kind of funny how we have been shown differently. Marriage has been and is way better than I expected it to be. My capacity to love J surprises me all the time. And, it is hard to describe, but the unification of two people, the commitment to no other option but choosing to love one another is a game changer. It provides freedom and intimacy in the sweetest ways. I look forward to the ways marriage will continue to surprise me.

This is the best slumber party I’ve ever had

People keep asking me how marriage is going or what I think about being married. My honest response is, it is the best slumber party I've ever had, and it's every day. On our wedding program we stated, "Welcome to our greatest adventure", and that is exactly what the first 6 months have been. The best of days and some hard days, but the greatest adventure with my favorite person.

Wedding dancing captured by our friend, Laura Foote

For the next 6

We are just starting, life will keep delivering stuff, and God will continue to be faithful. There is so much more to experience and I am like a kid on Christmas Eve, full of anticipation and excitement for what is in store for us.

Host a Blind Wine Tasting Party

Last year, two of our colleagues and friends entered into a debate about whether or not the price of the wine determined its quality and tastiness. The conversation resulted in a blind wine tasting party that is now a Fitzgerald tradition. If you enjoy wine, at any price point, I highly encourage you to host your very own blind wine tasting party. You won't be disappointed with the results!

First step is to identify your guest list. This year, we intentionally brought together couples that we keep hoping to connect with but for some reason or another, our schedules do not seem to match up. J and I enjoy bringing together friends from different aspects of lives. It is both fun and an open space for us to truly walk in community with others.

Once you've determined your guest list, you can invite them to bring their favorite bottle of wine. We like to leave it up to guests to choose a white wine or a red wine, and award a prize for each category. You could have folks sign up if you'd like or even assign regions from around the world. There are lots of fun ways to personalize this aspect. Our guests this time around really loved red and we ended up not having a white wine in sight {fine by this red wine lover!}.

Part of my wine love involves the bites to eat that often accompany the sips. Our guests were also asked to bring an appetizer to share. Wine + small bites for dinner. My kind of party, for sure.

For my food contributions, I made a healthier buffalo chicken dip and a baked brie in phyllo cups with a walnut and craisin garnish.

As guests arrived, we invited them to choose a number to attach to their bottle of wine. I found this free printable here.

When the tasting began, each guest received a scorecard to rate the tasting. I like to give a few minutes in between tastings for chatting and preparing for the next sip. As we tasted each wine, we identified the number on the bottle but keep the secret of whose bottle it was and what type of wine it was. For us, it lead to a lot of fun guessing as to who brought it and what type it was.

We prefer to provide mini cups for the tastings and then toss them out each time. You could also provide guests with one glass and a dump bucket if you preferred that. I also recommend some palate cleansing snacks such as: crackers, goldfish, etc. for guests to munch on in between samples.

After all of our tastings were complete, we asked guests to vote for their favorite white wine and favorite red wine. In the case that all of your guests bring one type, liked ours did, have them vote for their top 2. As we announced the top selections, the bottles were revealed! After that, everyone was free to enjoy glasses of any wines they chose.

The winners of our categories took home gift certificates to the newly opened Mini Doughnut Factory, a personal favorite of ours {get the cotton candy one!}.

Of course, decorating for your party is also a fun aspect. Or at least it is for me. A few little pretty things go a long way.

For this party, I used a roll of brown butcher wrapping paper to create a table runner, picked up a fresh tulip plant, and used some thought provoking cocktail napkins to spur on conversation. {I pick up cocktail napkins all the time for this purpose and to be sure that I always have fun ones on hand.} You can use any embellishments you'd like to represent you and add a little fun for your guests.

Write down your own great ideas and invite your friends over for a lovely and lively night with good wine and even better company!

If you're curious about our winners from this year, the favorites were:

Cupcake Black Forest

Dreaming Tree Pinot Noir

Yellow Tail Cabernet Sauvignon

Cheers!

Weekend Staycation

J and I have been married for almost 4 months (I promise to write about that soon!). How has the time flown so quickly?

Since the new year started, we've been busy bees at work and in life, making the transition to marriage and living together. We decided at the beginning of the year to take a day off in March to give us a long weekend together to celebrate our datingversary and reconnect after what we anticipated would be a busy few months. Two days off, no tasks, no lists, and adventures. They were so fun. And, so good for this girl's heart.

If you are in the Tampa Bay area, there are some good finds I suggest. Wherever you are, take a weekend to enjoy your city and get out to explore!

Welcome to our staycation!

We ended work on Thursday and took off in our already packed car to head to the sweet downtown streets of Dunedin for their St. Patrick's Day festival. I've married an Irish man so I anticipate this always being a big holiday in our home. The streets were packed with fellow celebrators. We made our way down to the Downtown Dunedin Deli for a burger (definitely give this spot a try). I know, not very Irish, but the festival surprisingly lacked Irish food so we opted for J's next favorite thing.

We spent the night in Dunedin and dashed out early in the morning for a quick breakfast at the famous Kelly's. A yummy breakfast with lots of pours of coffee is just the perfect start to the day, right?

We spent the rest of the day tucked away at the beach. It was surprisingly chilly for a March day in Florida but when you have your sweetheart and the waves are crashing, what could be wrong. Both of us enjoyed our newest books and soaked up the afternoon. 

Of course, no visit to the beach would be complete without a long walk and lunch picnic. For lunch, we picked up Publix sandwiches/wraps and enjoyed them waterside at a little park J discovered. My husband really likes to ask fun hypothetical questions to get your mind going. Sometimes I don't want to play along, admittedly, but I was glad I did on this day because it led to some sweet life conversations that you just miss out on having in your everyday normal life.

While in Treasure Island, we had to visit our favorite ice cream shop, The Candy Kitchen. Their vanilla ice cream with peanut butter is just unreal. I added a twist this time and also had their mocha chocolate chip. Yep, it was a great choice!

As if this day couldn't get better, we accepted a last minute invite from two of our friends to enjoy pizza and wine at their home. Talk about a great day and wonderful evening. It was a big ole' heart full kind of day. And this is all just Friday!

Saturday morning brought grey skies, late sleeps, movie watching, and pumpkin protein pancakes. When the skies cleared a little, we chanced it and took our bikes out to ride all over Tampa Bay, stopping at city events happening and Irish bars. Our final stop led us back to the place we first began flirting/finally admitting we flirt at The Dubliner. We also had THE best beer ever here.

Let me introduce you to The Cotton Candy: Half Angry Orchard + Half Seadog Blueberry + Fresh Blueberries = the best beer.

Two days of much needed quality time mixed with rest for us both = a pretty great staycation for us.

I anticipate more of these will be in our future so please share any ideas you have done or have come across - we love exploring and new adventures!

{We also learned on Saturday that I need a comfier bike seat for longer rides, insert soreness.}

Happy Monday! I hope you found rest this weekend as well.

{Friday Gratitude}

Dear imperfections, I'm falling more in love with you all the time. You're the sweet spot in my heart. Dear red skirt, you make a girl twirl. Dear city group girls, curling up with all of you to discuss life is always a highlight of my week. Dear J, you're still my favorite. Dear grads, so glad that we could all share the last two years with you. Go be great professionals! Dear weekend, I'm coming for you and the mac and cheese that you hold.

{Friday Gratitude}

Dear Florida, your water brings peace to my soul. Grateful for your waterways and paths to walk alongside the waves. Dear comfy couch, you are far from pretty but your cushions provide a great place to rest and I'm glad to have spent some minutes with you this week. Dear attempted bike ride, we will meet again, but glad the goal of you provided a lovely walk while the sun was setting and the sky was bright pink, like cotton candy. Dear God, I cannot comprehend the depths of your love for all of us. My understanding seems to only touch the surface of all that you are. Thank you for the ultimate sacrifice of your son so that we could know your mercy, steadfast love, and faithfulness.

{Friday Gratitude}

Dear books, I adore your pages and taking in all of your words. Time spent with you is never wasted. Dear Miss B, thank you for creating a safe space for me to unpack my heart and understand it a bit more. Dear Lauralee and Angie, thankful for a friendship with you that continues to grow as we walk alongside one another in this life. Dear dreamer, take responsibility for those desires and big ideas. Trust the wisdom and understanding you've been given to shepherd them. Dear J, thank you for sharing a walk with me and the space to talk through so many of the things we are learning. Dear bravery, you are a gift that is given to us and while we don't always know why or understand you, I'm sure glad you keep showing up. Dear D & K, I'm grateful that I get to love you, know you and be your sister.

The dance

I never really bought into fairy tales as a little girl, I gravitated more towards complicated stories that were messy and imperfect, because I already knew that is how love would look sometimes. If I wrote a fairy tale though, it would probably be a lot like Beauty and the Beast because there are books, and dancing, and she is a little strong willed. Mostly... because of the dancing!

Dancing connects to me in a way I don't quite understand. When the movement begins, my mind stops working so hard. I've been dancing my way through the good and challenging in life for quite some time now, dreaming of that one who is always going to find their way to the dance floor with me.

I read a blog post by Hannah Brencher, that just wrecked me. Like, I read it several times while tears rolled down my face. Not a pretty cry. Like real big tears that blocked my view of the screen, made my nose runny, and laughter come out (a sign of my big cry). Some words just do that to you. You read them thinking, someone captured my heart right there in those words. 

I've been pretty dedicated to growing and developing these past few months. Not like I want to get through this moment and then I'll think about what I learned later. No, not like that. A lot like, I am going to pursue wisdom and understanding in places that make me incredibly scared, joyful, and vulnerable in ways that I don't even want to be with myself. I've been praying, A LOT. And growing, A LOT. 

There are moments when I want to rest, like this week, when I don't want to pray, or read, or write, because I know there is going to be something in it that I don't feel ready for. Even the good, this week. I am not even certain I am ready for that. In those moments of just not wanting to be vulnerable, my armor comes out. Now I know what it looks like when I fall to that, but I didn't fight it at first. I let it come over me until I read that post and then it was like a sweet whisper of, you don't have to put that on. I won't let you go, just trust me. 

I am reminded a lot in this season how uncomfortable I feel trusting others, even God, putting up barriers that others won't want to fight through. Desperately hoping that someone will, validated when they don't, praying that God will heal that space, and not trusting that He can. 

Then right there on my screen and right into my heart, God reminded me that I am already loved the way I dreamed of. He put that desire in me to love Him. I don't have to wait until the next song to find a partner. He is the most faithful, showing up in every beat of the song. When I twirl out, He watches me ever so closely, holding onto me, if only by my fingertips. He holds me tightly with strength, giving the confidence and fulfillment that only He can. When I step on His toes, He gives encouragement. I don't have to give a perfect performance or even know the steps. He will lead me. Just like that, in full surrender, I can let go. He's got me. 

Test Kitchen: Strawberries!

We are in full strawberry season in Florida, which I must admit is one of my favorite times of year. I could almost turn into a strawberry for the quantities that I am consuming. If you are looking for your own strawberry fix to kick off spring, try this delicious appetizer. These strawberry and goat cheese crostinis are party favorite, with a great blend of tangy and sweet. Enjoy!

Strawberry + Goat Cheese Crostinis 

Ingredients:
Sliced (or finely chopped) strawberries
Fresh Basil
Crostinis or Bagel Chips
Balsamic Vinegar
Goat Cheese, spreadable

Chop fresh basil and strawberries. Spread a fine layer of goat cheese on your bagel chips or crostinis. Assemble your delightful appetizer by placing strawberries on top and sprinkling with basil. Just before serving, give a few drops of balsamic vinegar on top. Enjoy!

Have a happy week!

{Friday Gratitude}

Some days I get so caught up in what goal I am working towards or thing I am praying through that I let my thinking and emotions run wild. Those things are often not a real portrayal of my life. Sure there is growth, that sometimes looks difficult, but the reality is that my days are filled with good, an overwhelming amount of good actually. Maybe this is true for many of you too, but sometimes I just need to simmer right down, get out of my head, and live into the sheer beauty running throughout my life. I am spending far less time thinking, analyzing (although it creeps in some days) and resting in gratitude a lot more often, which is a really great place to be.

Happy Friday! Take a moment to relish in what you are grateful for today!

Dear warmth, thank you for returning and allowing some beautiful days outside. Dear Alexis, thank you for filling my Monday with laughter, conversation, and T. Swift's new album. Dear Mal Pal, I so enjoy our roommate chats, had while sitting on my bed, and the opportunity to pour love into each. It may be my favorite moment(s) in living with you. Dear sweet dress, you make a girl feel pretty. I delighted in having pockets all day! Dear Lisa, Skylar, and Kelly, thank you for inviting me into friendship and affirming that red table purchase. Dear beach, you did good things for my heart this week. I needed every minute I spent with you and I'm looking forward to our next date. Dear pollen, you are rough on my allergies this season, but a great reminder of God's beautiful design. Dear new job, you are feeling less new and more like this is exactly where I should be right now. Thank you for letting me take risks with how you look and how we serve campus. Dear big smiles, I love that you reflect how I feel on the inside. It's good to wear you. 

{Celebrate} The Things I Do

A gift that I have been given these past two months has been the space to reconnect with my self-awareness. I have learned that striving to be everything is a fruitless path. It dominates more than your time. Living without boundaries creates negative thoughts, bitterness, and generates behaviors that you don't recognize in yourself. The really great news is that I am neither the rescuer for other people nor all things. We are all created uniquely, by a perfect design, and with purpose. How incredibly freeing to know that we don't have to live everyone else's purpose? We only need to live out our own.

I am really not usually the girl who lacks a sense of self and clarity in purpose, but I was feeling a little like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, not knowing how I like to eat my eggs. Before I could start living from that center again, I needed some reflection to connect with what is me and what are the things I am doing for the approval of others. Naturally, I made lists - things I do and don't do.

First up, celebrating the Things I Do:

1. Pursue my relationship with God.
This is the foundation from which everything else is generated. It hasn't always looked that way, I've tried to run from or reject this at times, but it is my first, best, and most important relationship.

2. Appreciate when others help me.
My roommate made my bed the other day and I was so touched she took the time to do that act of kindness. I am the worst at asking for help, but I feel overwhelmed with appreciation when someone does something that adds support to my day.

3. Small, intimate gatherings.
I always try to convince myself that I enjoy shindigs of any size but I actually dislike large parties. I am more authentic when I host or attend more intimate gatherings that allow me to genuinely connect with those in attendance. At larger parties, I can usually be found creating a smaller setting with a group of people.

4. Experiences.
I find happiness in so many moments of my day because I treasure experiences and the process for arriving at them. There isn't much that I don't think of as moment to be savored. Sharing a meal at the table is one of my favorites.

5. Travel.
My wanderlust is serious. There are so many places to explore and people to know. Now, if only my budget could catch up!

6. Alone Time.
I love people and I have a threshold of time for being with people. It is either genetic or a learned behavior from my Momma. Either way, stealing away for a few minutes allows my mind to settle, recharges me, and lets me be present when I engage again.

7. Write.
Letters. Blog Post. Prayers. Lists. Notes. I write it all down. Storytelling fills my heart. I am thrilled when I receive written forms of communication. A used book with an inscription is like candy to me because I imagine story lines involving those people. And, I have a hard time parting with letters and my lectures notes from my favorite classes. Maybe I'll get paid to write someday.

8. Breakfast.
My favorite meal is breakfast. If every Saturday morning involved a leisure moment to sip coffee on the porch and have a full breakfast with people I love, I'd be delighted. I'll sneak in a breakfast experience any chance I get!

9. Nest at Home.
For all of my gallivanting ways, I sure love to be in my home, wherever that may be in the current season of my life. Days where I work on little projects and have leisure time at home (probably in my PJ's) balance me out. I always hope that I create a space where others feel like they are at home when they visit.

10. Learn and pursue work I am passionate about.
There are so many fascinating things out there to be learning about and doing. I wish I had time for all the ways I would serve my community or careers I would pursue. I don't have a master plan for how I want it all to look. My only hope is that I contribute my talents in the ways that I am led to.

11. Vote.
I turned in my voter registration paperwork on my 18th birthday which was the best present. Community and political engagement energize me. I can usually be found beside myself with excitement on election night as the results come in.

12. Invest in my relationships.
I have been blessed with a really great home team to do life with. Each season of my life has been filled with people I am so fortunate to know, love, and be in community with. I treasure these people.

13. Laugh when I cry.
If I start crying, I will also, usually, start laughing. I used to think it was embarrassing, but then I realized that it is a gift to know joy and hope in the midst of hard stuff. I hope that I use it to remain with people in their messiest moments.


When you strip away all of the supposed to's, what are the things that you do which help you to live out your gifts?

Next up? The Things I Don't Do!

What do I avoid praying for?

I had a great conversation recently about fear, admitting the things that we really hope to receive, and how we pray for them. I was asked what it was that I desired most but didn't pray about and without thinking about what my "right" answer should be, I blurted out, "a family". As soon as it came out, I laughed at my own ridiculousness. Seriously, that is the thing I am not praying for? As if God, and everyone who knows me, wouldn't already know that is the answer to that question. Or maybe it isn't as known as I think? So why in all of my time praying am I not asking for it? Maybe my fear of not getting it had gotten in the way of truthfulness or maybe I was scared that God would answer my prayer and then what. My heart is already known but there is great freedom, love, and peacefulness in actually requesting it so that it can be known in a greater way.

As I started to ask for the courage to admit what was on my heart, I began writing because I often find my truest thoughts in that space. A lot of my imagination for writing happens in letter format so I wasn't surprised when without analyzing or questioning, out came this little letter to a future child that I hope to have with a future husband. All unknown and fully honest. And this little letter brought tears to my eyes, not because it said anything profound, but because it came out of the most vulnerable part of my heart.

Even as I am about to hit the publish button, I cringe, hesitating to let you all into this vulnerable space. I decided to share it with all of you anyway, not only to share what is on my heart, but to encourage you to explore those spaces in yourself where you are suppressing requests or feeling fearful.

Dear little one,

I spent almost my whole life hoping that I would someday be entrusted with you. It is taking a long time to grow me and make me ready to be your mom, but we will get there, and I'll still be learning. I might be terrified, by the way, but will arise each day loving and pursuing you, knowing that God will provide what I need to be your mom.

I dream about the possibilities of who you might become and all of the things that I hope we teach you. There is a great big world out there full of people who live, eat, look, and think differently than we do at home. I hope we take you to places where you can learn to love and appreciate people who are like us and those that may seem different. I want you to really know people and be ignited by places and experiences that excite you. I hope that you love learning, discovering, creating, and playing. I hope that you enjoy fun and silly moments that seem small now but will one day be big. I pray that you will never fear for where you will sleep, know hunger, or lack education, but that you have a heart for those that do. I hope that you experience failure so that you learn perfection isn't the goal. On any given day, let the soundtrack to our life be laughter and humility. For the days that we do it all well, there will be many others that one or all of us in this family will miss the mark on loving each other well. At home, we will do love, prayer, service, kindness, apologies, forgiveness, learning, and then more love. I envision that the table will be the centerpiece of our home where we will share meals, life, devotions, and learning. I hope that you have a heart that makes the whole world feel like home. I pray that I trust not in my own expectations but rather in the purpose that has been designed for you, just like my parents did for me. In moments when you aren't sure if you even like us, we will still pursue you, because we are pursued that way. You may grow up to be many things, but I hope that we teach you most about pursuing God and knowing His love which is greater than anything your dad or I could ever give you.

Speaking of your dad, I'm writing you this before this is even close to being a reality, which is probably crazy, but your momma is a dreamer. Blame it on literature. I haven't even said yes to one of the biggest questions I will ever be asked. When I say yes to your dad, I know that my faith will have grown bigger than my trust in him. While I'm sure your dad will ask in a special way with a pretty ring, it matters most that we commit to pursuing a life together that is rooted in faith, love and service. We will be two people who are flawed, perfectly made and full of love for each other. I hope you see and learn from the choices that we make to remain in that love.

While I don't know when you will arrive or if I will ever actually be called mom by you, I'll trust in the plan that is for my life, knowing that it will not have loose ends and all of the chapters will be in the right order.

x.

Learning about what I don't do while crying over milk

This current season has brought up a lot of great conversations with my girlfriends about the things we commit to doing, and maybe even more importantly, the things that we say no to so that we can say yes to the things that hold the most truth in our lives. When I read Bittersweet and Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist, it was like a bomb exploded in my heart. She wrote great, powerful pieces about the walk we take in doing life with others, pursuing faith, and the experiences that our lives present. I literally have pages and pages where entire paragraphs are highlighted as the words were challenging me and stirring up opportunities for growth.

One of my favorite chapters featured her tough lessons on overcoming her inclination to do EVERYTHING. Everything for everyone being my drug of choice in the fall. My list of things to do better had been getting long, quite long, and weighty, with what felt like new things being added all the time, never with the thought about what should I stop doing. Stop doing anything? Um, no. For a long time, I had been the girl that could do everything. I don't even have a husband or kids yet so I certainly should have been able to handle all that was on my plate. Not doing everything felt a lot like failing and I wanted anything but to feel like I had not lived up to some potential that I thought had been determined for me.

I remember the day where I thought to myself, "this just has to be enough and how do I stop this crazy train that I am driving". The day.. well, it was when I burst into tears over being out of milk. Full on tears. Over milk. Full of shame. Failing to meet some crazy standard I had set for myself that day of being the perfect girlfriend who makes her boyfriend breakfast before his work trip, in the midst of a hectic week, because I was certain that I could do it all. I am not sure if I cried in that moment because I realized that being a perfect girlfriend is not attainable, or the realization that I could not do everything, or the fact that I was actually questioning if my boyfriend would still love me when he found out I was not wonder woman, or from being exhausted from striving for so much all of the time. I'm going with all of above, as illogical as all of those thoughts may be.

Of course, I tried to recover quickly in the moment, saying I was just tired, and suppressing all those emotions, hoping I could pretend to shut off my mind, and stop my tears for the duration of the breakfast. The saddest part is that all I really wanted was an hour of enjoying being with him and feeling connected. I spent the rest of that day trying to recover and wrestling with how I come clean about where I actually was. On a lot of days last semester, that felt a lot like a sinking ship. I was no where near even knowing how to admit the reality of where I was, but clearly, the moment you start crying over milk, that isn't even spilled, is probably your enough point. At least, it was mine.

Thanks to my graduate program, I am an eternal student of development theory and aware that I am transitioning from seeing self-sacrifice as value for my goodness, and learning that I need to find care for myself (Gilligan's second transition). I am in some serious growth now, full of cognitive dissonance, which I find really hard some days and a total breeze on others. Thankful each day to be where I am, learning and making different choices - much more like a sailing ship.

Niequist wrote a chapter entitled, "Things I Don't Do", where she reflects on her own battle with doing everything and needing to articulate (she's a list maker too!) what she had to quit in order to do the things that allow for the life that we are really intended to be living. I am working on writing my own list, actively turning down opportunities I would have piled on before, and making room for the ability to say yes to the things that are deeply important to me.

As hard as it was to reach this point, I am encouraged daily, and I hope that sharing this will encourage all of you that are struggling with your EVERYTHING. What is on your list of things you don't do so you can say yes?

Remaining

I had never been to the state of Arkansas or even knew anyone who had been there when I visited campus for an interview in 2009. It was the furthest I had lived from family, the lowest paying job I interviewed for, and I did not know a single person for miles around, but I knew without a shred of doubt that I was meant to go there. I'm grateful, all the time, for that part of my plan.

While I was there, I met my friend Lyndsy. She inspired me with her pursuit in natural childbirth, living with less measures, and comfort in her own vulnerability. Her vulnerability often challenged my own discomfort in that arena. She would often allow me to give my first response to a question and then with patience and love, she would pursue my answer again, allowing me to have space to communicate what was really on my heart. Every time I felt thankful for her pursuit of me in those moments and the space she provided for me to be seen and known.

During my time there, I watched Lyndsy become a mother. I watched her find joy in the transition and struggle through the hard pieces with honesty and love, showing up each day with renewed strength. Her little one began these crying fits that lasted hours, requiring perseverance, a lot of faith, and unrelenting love. Her husband had to travel for work so I went over to assist in an effort of support and to help her not lose her mind. I LOVE babies, happy or throwing a fit for hours, so I felt up for the job. We could see the relief that he needed, mainly sleep and food, but he resisted, struggling through, fighting off our love and comfort, searching for something while missing the fact that we were offering all that he needed. So we kept pursuing him that night, giving patience while he fought us, providing what he needed even when he turned it down, wrapping him in love, until he finally surrendered to peace and comfort.

The memory of my friendship with her in that moment with her little guy makes me smile and think, of course, because it is how my relationship with God can look at times. He provides, calls me higher, deeper into His plan, and I gear up for battle, determined to create my own plan and turning away from Him and all that he is providing for me, failing to see that everything I need (and probably asked for) is being given to me.

Moving back to Tampa was not in my plan but the doors opened and I felt the call to return. It has been the best move and hardest move for many reasons. In the fall, I had this sudden awareness that the plan that was unfolding looked nothing like I thought it would, unfamiliar in a familiar place, and I got to work battling to fulfill my own expectations. It was tumultuous and exhausting, resting no where in my faith or identity. Still I fought, much like my friend's little one did that night, and so He pursued me with a greater amount of love, a brutal but needed mirror, a lot of forgiveness, and comfort to remain.

God used it, is using it, to teach me a lot about love. Falling in love can be quite easy - the thrill of the newness can be exhilarating but the great stuff happens in the remaining. I fell in love with God a long time ago but remaining, choosing over and over again to be faithful, to find humility in my moments of discomfort, staying when other things entice me or seem easier, is where I lose my way at times. I'm thankful in those moments that He pursues us more, allowing our hearts to better seen, and faithfully staying with us in it, through it, and after it.

I am learning a lot about how I walk out that love for Him and other people, when I choose to respond to my immediate emotions, rather than from the truth and joy that is within me. Real love is remaining - in community, kindness, forgiveness, grace, contentment, gratitude, and choosing to stay in the remaining when I could give up or throw up barriers. I don't always know how to walk out love in that way, and there will be moments when my fear threatens those spaces, but I surrender to that He does, knowing I will be taught, be given people that will walk out that out with me by asking the question again, when I need them to, in order to share what is really in my heart. I will be made brave in those moments.

"The foundation of bravery is about pursuing love.. its takes bravery to choose 

to continuously walk out that love, come what may."

2014 reflections.

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good" - John Steinbeck

2014 was a really beautiful, changing, messy, struggling, loving kind of year. Half the time I was basking in the moments of pure joy and happiness and the other half the time I was battling expectations and impossible perfection. All of which led to a pursuit of peacefulness in knowing my freedom and appreciation for the people, opportunities, and moments that are given to me each day to make up my life.

As I am thinking about the new year, and all of the unexpected things it has already brought, I am also reflecting and celebrating all that the previous year held. The truth is, my highlight reel is pretty big and overwhelming in the amount of moments I was keenly aware of love. I'm celebrating these little, big moments now, so I can remind myself each time my mind gets busy as a way to say, "quiet down little mind, rest in truth, be patient", which I know will probably happen about 15 times a day (and those will just be the ones I am aware of). For all that 2015 will hold, I hope to pursue and know love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Happy 2015! Enjoy some highlights from 2014!

Dates with Momma

Dancing with Justin

NYC with Kerri & Erica

Literacy Nights

Dustin's Graduation

Painting & Life Conversations

New Team

Students

Old Friends

New Friends

x.

Letters.

One of my favorite bloggers, Today's Letters, does a letter writing series that I adore. Her husband also writes (swoon). I don't know if it is because letters may very well be my love language or if those two just write so beautifully that I can't help it, but I repeat reading them over and over. I appreciate their honesty and window into life. They've been inspiring my writing for a while and some say imitation is the best flattery, so I stole their idea and format for today's letter.


Dear Momma, thank you for our long chat, which I enjoyed through the sunshine in my new backyard. I cherish those life moments with you. Dear J, I love the way that music ignites you. My favorite way to observe you is when you are singing your heart out. Dear fear of the unknown, you've been creeping in a lot lately through all of my transitions this year. I'm getting braver. Dear God, thank you for the brutal dose of truth that reminds me I'm not in control. Dear Daddy, you didn't even know I picked Saturday's race because of you. I'm sure glad you're a survivor. Dear new room, you don't quite feel like mine yet, but I'm looking forward to spending some candlelit nights with you, featuring a quieter mind, cup of tea, a pen, and my journal. Dear love, thank you for holding my hand, calmly waiting for my thoughts to be articulated, and letting me cry when I need to.

Apples + Courage

Student Affairs professionals are gifted with experiencing community with our students. Sometimes I think they, more than others, are able to see the best in me and the flaws I wish I could perfect. As I have grown in my role, I have become increasingly aware that they watch. They watch how I interact with others, which decisions I challenge them on, how I dedicate my personal time, who and how I date, and the ways in which I live my values.

Last week, a student chose me to be honored in a ceremony called, Apple Polishing. The students who participate in this program are able to select one staff member they feel has impacted them or assisted them in their growth. Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised when my student, Sidney, chose me to be her guest. I had only begun working with her this semester and I questioned what experience she could have had with me that warranted such an honor.

As she began her speech about why she selected me, she confessed to reading my blog before we had even really met. Then she quoted lines from a post that had been meaningful for her and created connection for us. She described that it had been my courage that resonated with her, the courage she read in that post and the courage she had observed in me over the last couple of months. I felt so surprised and it was so touching that I almost didn't know how to respond so I cried, couldn't help it, and generously thanked her.

I keep thinking about that moment last week and how courageous she was to share why she connected to what I had written. My experiences this last school year have taught me that it is the ordinary moments of life that require the most courage. It is in those moments that I think we are called to be vulnerable, passionate, loving, forgiving, inspired, and aware of our fears - our most true self. It is the ordinary moments that I have come to appreciate the most because they generate my truest, most honest, happiest heart.

Thank you, Sidney, for watching and for valuing a piece of myself that I shared, without even knowing. I cherish this apple.

the fault in our stars: a review

For the past few weeks, I have been reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. When I love a book I do this thing where I avoid the end of it by putting it down for days so it won't be over, and this book was certainly no exception. I didn't even read the last page half way through, which I also do (weird, I know), because I didn't want anything to be given away.

I started reading this novel because one of my favorite book lovers, Erica, kept raving about it. Then I became the girl tweeting quotes non-stop, telling everyone about Augustus and Hazel Grace, and kind of obsessing about these two characters. Yes, I am aware this is not a real, but when I am thinking about a story while laying in bed, well, that is the sign of a stellar read.

The book is centered on two main teenage characters, Augustus and Hazel Grace. They meet through a cancer support group as they both have had or are being treated for cancer. As you read, their story together unfolds, and you are forced to face the brutality of cancer and the depth of love. At times, I felt like I was intruding in on a moment between two people that I didn't have to the right to see. The strength of John Green's writing is capturing that window and creating a place for the reader in that space. Some pages I fought to get through and others I lingered on a little longer.

The Fault in Our Stars is not an overly romantic, unattainable love story that will give you false expectations. Augustus and Hazel are different people. They don't agree on most things. And yet, there is an acceptance and admiration for who the other person is. Not obsessive or lustful, just honest. It is a story about how I think we all deserve to be seen and loved, for who we are in our most stripped down versions.

Reading this, you'll find you want more time with the characters and you'll want to thank John Green for the privilege.

girls night: slumber party style

To celebrate the birthday of one of my best girls, Jennifer, I decided to throw her a slumber party. Being that we have a shared love of Dirty Dancing, the theme choice was obvious.

If you are wondering what a slumber party in your thirties looks like, let me assure you that it is even better than as a teenage girl. We all had the best time being together! We chatted the night away, laughing, and telling stories. There were games and lots of food. Obviously, no slumber party would be complete without a bit of dancing so we were sure to have some ultimate playlists going, especially the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. A sign of old age would be falling asleep during the flick, which we did, but resumed it in the morning over breakfast. The final dance is stellar no matter what time of day it is on.

Fun Fact: Did you know that Patrick Swayze filmed the final scene with a leg injury? Learned that in our trivia game!

Our party essentials, Jen's favorite things, are below:

{Food Table} Spinach Salad Station, Quiche, Veggies, Mozzarella Sticks 

{Drinks} Lots of Wine, Iced Tea, and, of course, Pink Champagne

{Candy & Desserts} Reese's Pieces, Twizzlers, M&M's, Sour Patch Kids, Brownies

{Games} Dirty Dancing: The Game (A MUST!) & Slumber Party Box of Questions

{Breakfast} Pancakes, Strawberries, Bacon, OJ, Coffee 

{Party Favors} Pretty Notebook, EOS Lip Balm, Face Mask

While this celebration was in honor of a birthday, there is no excuse needed to gather up a few friends and enjoy some quality time together.