{Friday Gratitude}

Dear imperfections, I'm falling more in love with you all the time. You're the sweet spot in my heart. Dear red skirt, you make a girl twirl. Dear city group girls, curling up with all of you to discuss life is always a highlight of my week. Dear J, you're still my favorite. Dear grads, so glad that we could all share the last two years with you. Go be great professionals! Dear weekend, I'm coming for you and the mac and cheese that you hold.

{Friday Gratitude}

Dear Florida, your water brings peace to my soul. Grateful for your waterways and paths to walk alongside the waves. Dear comfy couch, you are far from pretty but your cushions provide a great place to rest and I'm glad to have spent some minutes with you this week. Dear attempted bike ride, we will meet again, but glad the goal of you provided a lovely walk while the sun was setting and the sky was bright pink, like cotton candy. Dear God, I cannot comprehend the depths of your love for all of us. My understanding seems to only touch the surface of all that you are. Thank you for the ultimate sacrifice of your son so that we could know your mercy, steadfast love, and faithfulness.

{Friday Gratitude}

Dear books, I adore your pages and taking in all of your words. Time spent with you is never wasted. Dear Miss B, thank you for creating a safe space for me to unpack my heart and understand it a bit more. Dear Lauralee and Angie, thankful for a friendship with you that continues to grow as we walk alongside one another in this life. Dear dreamer, take responsibility for those desires and big ideas. Trust the wisdom and understanding you've been given to shepherd them. Dear J, thank you for sharing a walk with me and the space to talk through so many of the things we are learning. Dear bravery, you are a gift that is given to us and while we don't always know why or understand you, I'm sure glad you keep showing up. Dear D & K, I'm grateful that I get to love you, know you and be your sister.

The dance

I never really bought into fairy tales as a little girl, I gravitated more towards complicated stories that were messy and imperfect, because I already knew that is how love would look sometimes. If I wrote a fairy tale though, it would probably be a lot like Beauty and the Beast because there are books, and dancing, and she is a little strong willed. Mostly... because of the dancing!

Dancing connects to me in a way I don't quite understand. When the movement begins, my mind stops working so hard. I've been dancing my way through the good and challenging in life for quite some time now, dreaming of that one who is always going to find their way to the dance floor with me.

I read a blog post by Hannah Brencher, that just wrecked me. Like, I read it several times while tears rolled down my face. Not a pretty cry. Like real big tears that blocked my view of the screen, made my nose runny, and laughter come out (a sign of my big cry). Some words just do that to you. You read them thinking, someone captured my heart right there in those words. 

I've been pretty dedicated to growing and developing these past few months. Not like I want to get through this moment and then I'll think about what I learned later. No, not like that. A lot like, I am going to pursue wisdom and understanding in places that make me incredibly scared, joyful, and vulnerable in ways that I don't even want to be with myself. I've been praying, A LOT. And growing, A LOT. 

There are moments when I want to rest, like this week, when I don't want to pray, or read, or write, because I know there is going to be something in it that I don't feel ready for. Even the good, this week. I am not even certain I am ready for that. In those moments of just not wanting to be vulnerable, my armor comes out. Now I know what it looks like when I fall to that, but I didn't fight it at first. I let it come over me until I read that post and then it was like a sweet whisper of, you don't have to put that on. I won't let you go, just trust me. 

I am reminded a lot in this season how uncomfortable I feel trusting others, even God, putting up barriers that others won't want to fight through. Desperately hoping that someone will, validated when they don't, praying that God will heal that space, and not trusting that He can. 

Then right there on my screen and right into my heart, God reminded me that I am already loved the way I dreamed of. He put that desire in me to love Him. I don't have to wait until the next song to find a partner. He is the most faithful, showing up in every beat of the song. When I twirl out, He watches me ever so closely, holding onto me, if only by my fingertips. He holds me tightly with strength, giving the confidence and fulfillment that only He can. When I step on His toes, He gives encouragement. I don't have to give a perfect performance or even know the steps. He will lead me. Just like that, in full surrender, I can let go. He's got me. 

Test Kitchen: Strawberries!

We are in full strawberry season in Florida, which I must admit is one of my favorite times of year. I could almost turn into a strawberry for the quantities that I am consuming. If you are looking for your own strawberry fix to kick off spring, try this delicious appetizer. These strawberry and goat cheese crostinis are party favorite, with a great blend of tangy and sweet. Enjoy!

Strawberry + Goat Cheese Crostinis 

Ingredients:
Sliced (or finely chopped) strawberries
Fresh Basil
Crostinis or Bagel Chips
Balsamic Vinegar
Goat Cheese, spreadable

Chop fresh basil and strawberries. Spread a fine layer of goat cheese on your bagel chips or crostinis. Assemble your delightful appetizer by placing strawberries on top and sprinkling with basil. Just before serving, give a few drops of balsamic vinegar on top. Enjoy!

Have a happy week!

{Friday Gratitude}

Some days I get so caught up in what goal I am working towards or thing I am praying through that I let my thinking and emotions run wild. Those things are often not a real portrayal of my life. Sure there is growth, that sometimes looks difficult, but the reality is that my days are filled with good, an overwhelming amount of good actually. Maybe this is true for many of you too, but sometimes I just need to simmer right down, get out of my head, and live into the sheer beauty running throughout my life. I am spending far less time thinking, analyzing (although it creeps in some days) and resting in gratitude a lot more often, which is a really great place to be.

Happy Friday! Take a moment to relish in what you are grateful for today!

Dear warmth, thank you for returning and allowing some beautiful days outside. Dear Alexis, thank you for filling my Monday with laughter, conversation, and T. Swift's new album. Dear Mal Pal, I so enjoy our roommate chats, had while sitting on my bed, and the opportunity to pour love into each. It may be my favorite moment(s) in living with you. Dear sweet dress, you make a girl feel pretty. I delighted in having pockets all day! Dear Lisa, Skylar, and Kelly, thank you for inviting me into friendship and affirming that red table purchase. Dear beach, you did good things for my heart this week. I needed every minute I spent with you and I'm looking forward to our next date. Dear pollen, you are rough on my allergies this season, but a great reminder of God's beautiful design. Dear new job, you are feeling less new and more like this is exactly where I should be right now. Thank you for letting me take risks with how you look and how we serve campus. Dear big smiles, I love that you reflect how I feel on the inside. It's good to wear you. 

{Celebrate} The Things I Do

A gift that I have been given these past two months has been the space to reconnect with my self-awareness. I have learned that striving to be everything is a fruitless path. It dominates more than your time. Living without boundaries creates negative thoughts, bitterness, and generates behaviors that you don't recognize in yourself. The really great news is that I am neither the rescuer for other people nor all things. We are all created uniquely, by a perfect design, and with purpose. How incredibly freeing to know that we don't have to live everyone else's purpose? We only need to live out our own.

I am really not usually the girl who lacks a sense of self and clarity in purpose, but I was feeling a little like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, not knowing how I like to eat my eggs. Before I could start living from that center again, I needed some reflection to connect with what is me and what are the things I am doing for the approval of others. Naturally, I made lists - things I do and don't do.

First up, celebrating the Things I Do:

1. Pursue my relationship with God.
This is the foundation from which everything else is generated. It hasn't always looked that way, I've tried to run from or reject this at times, but it is my first, best, and most important relationship.

2. Appreciate when others help me.
My roommate made my bed the other day and I was so touched she took the time to do that act of kindness. I am the worst at asking for help, but I feel overwhelmed with appreciation when someone does something that adds support to my day.

3. Small, intimate gatherings.
I always try to convince myself that I enjoy shindigs of any size but I actually dislike large parties. I am more authentic when I host or attend more intimate gatherings that allow me to genuinely connect with those in attendance. At larger parties, I can usually be found creating a smaller setting with a group of people.

4. Experiences.
I find happiness in so many moments of my day because I treasure experiences and the process for arriving at them. There isn't much that I don't think of as moment to be savored. Sharing a meal at the table is one of my favorites.

5. Travel.
My wanderlust is serious. There are so many places to explore and people to know. Now, if only my budget could catch up!

6. Alone Time.
I love people and I have a threshold of time for being with people. It is either genetic or a learned behavior from my Momma. Either way, stealing away for a few minutes allows my mind to settle, recharges me, and lets me be present when I engage again.

7. Write.
Letters. Blog Post. Prayers. Lists. Notes. I write it all down. Storytelling fills my heart. I am thrilled when I receive written forms of communication. A used book with an inscription is like candy to me because I imagine story lines involving those people. And, I have a hard time parting with letters and my lectures notes from my favorite classes. Maybe I'll get paid to write someday.

8. Breakfast.
My favorite meal is breakfast. If every Saturday morning involved a leisure moment to sip coffee on the porch and have a full breakfast with people I love, I'd be delighted. I'll sneak in a breakfast experience any chance I get!

9. Nest at Home.
For all of my gallivanting ways, I sure love to be in my home, wherever that may be in the current season of my life. Days where I work on little projects and have leisure time at home (probably in my PJ's) balance me out. I always hope that I create a space where others feel like they are at home when they visit.

10. Learn and pursue work I am passionate about.
There are so many fascinating things out there to be learning about and doing. I wish I had time for all the ways I would serve my community or careers I would pursue. I don't have a master plan for how I want it all to look. My only hope is that I contribute my talents in the ways that I am led to.

11. Vote.
I turned in my voter registration paperwork on my 18th birthday which was the best present. Community and political engagement energize me. I can usually be found beside myself with excitement on election night as the results come in.

12. Invest in my relationships.
I have been blessed with a really great home team to do life with. Each season of my life has been filled with people I am so fortunate to know, love, and be in community with. I treasure these people.

13. Laugh when I cry.
If I start crying, I will also, usually, start laughing. I used to think it was embarrassing, but then I realized that it is a gift to know joy and hope in the midst of hard stuff. I hope that I use it to remain with people in their messiest moments.


When you strip away all of the supposed to's, what are the things that you do which help you to live out your gifts?

Next up? The Things I Don't Do!

What do I avoid praying for?

I had a great conversation recently about fear, admitting the things that we really hope to receive, and how we pray for them. I was asked what it was that I desired most but didn't pray about and without thinking about what my "right" answer should be, I blurted out, "a family". As soon as it came out, I laughed at my own ridiculousness. Seriously, that is the thing I am not praying for? As if God, and everyone who knows me, wouldn't already know that is the answer to that question. Or maybe it isn't as known as I think? So why in all of my time praying am I not asking for it? Maybe my fear of not getting it had gotten in the way of truthfulness or maybe I was scared that God would answer my prayer and then what. My heart is already known but there is great freedom, love, and peacefulness in actually requesting it so that it can be known in a greater way.

As I started to ask for the courage to admit what was on my heart, I began writing because I often find my truest thoughts in that space. A lot of my imagination for writing happens in letter format so I wasn't surprised when without analyzing or questioning, out came this little letter to a future child that I hope to have with a future husband. All unknown and fully honest. And this little letter brought tears to my eyes, not because it said anything profound, but because it came out of the most vulnerable part of my heart.

Even as I am about to hit the publish button, I cringe, hesitating to let you all into this vulnerable space. I decided to share it with all of you anyway, not only to share what is on my heart, but to encourage you to explore those spaces in yourself where you are suppressing requests or feeling fearful.

Dear little one,

I spent almost my whole life hoping that I would someday be entrusted with you. It is taking a long time to grow me and make me ready to be your mom, but we will get there, and I'll still be learning. I might be terrified, by the way, but will arise each day loving and pursuing you, knowing that God will provide what I need to be your mom.

I dream about the possibilities of who you might become and all of the things that I hope we teach you. There is a great big world out there full of people who live, eat, look, and think differently than we do at home. I hope we take you to places where you can learn to love and appreciate people who are like us and those that may seem different. I want you to really know people and be ignited by places and experiences that excite you. I hope that you love learning, discovering, creating, and playing. I hope that you enjoy fun and silly moments that seem small now but will one day be big. I pray that you will never fear for where you will sleep, know hunger, or lack education, but that you have a heart for those that do. I hope that you experience failure so that you learn perfection isn't the goal. On any given day, let the soundtrack to our life be laughter and humility. For the days that we do it all well, there will be many others that one or all of us in this family will miss the mark on loving each other well. At home, we will do love, prayer, service, kindness, apologies, forgiveness, learning, and then more love. I envision that the table will be the centerpiece of our home where we will share meals, life, devotions, and learning. I hope that you have a heart that makes the whole world feel like home. I pray that I trust not in my own expectations but rather in the purpose that has been designed for you, just like my parents did for me. In moments when you aren't sure if you even like us, we will still pursue you, because we are pursued that way. You may grow up to be many things, but I hope that we teach you most about pursuing God and knowing His love which is greater than anything your dad or I could ever give you.

Speaking of your dad, I'm writing you this before this is even close to being a reality, which is probably crazy, but your momma is a dreamer. Blame it on literature. I haven't even said yes to one of the biggest questions I will ever be asked. When I say yes to your dad, I know that my faith will have grown bigger than my trust in him. While I'm sure your dad will ask in a special way with a pretty ring, it matters most that we commit to pursuing a life together that is rooted in faith, love and service. We will be two people who are flawed, perfectly made and full of love for each other. I hope you see and learn from the choices that we make to remain in that love.

While I don't know when you will arrive or if I will ever actually be called mom by you, I'll trust in the plan that is for my life, knowing that it will not have loose ends and all of the chapters will be in the right order.

x.

Learning about what I don't do while crying over milk

This current season has brought up a lot of great conversations with my girlfriends about the things we commit to doing, and maybe even more importantly, the things that we say no to so that we can say yes to the things that hold the most truth in our lives. When I read Bittersweet and Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist, it was like a bomb exploded in my heart. She wrote great, powerful pieces about the walk we take in doing life with others, pursuing faith, and the experiences that our lives present. I literally have pages and pages where entire paragraphs are highlighted as the words were challenging me and stirring up opportunities for growth.

One of my favorite chapters featured her tough lessons on overcoming her inclination to do EVERYTHING. Everything for everyone being my drug of choice in the fall. My list of things to do better had been getting long, quite long, and weighty, with what felt like new things being added all the time, never with the thought about what should I stop doing. Stop doing anything? Um, no. For a long time, I had been the girl that could do everything. I don't even have a husband or kids yet so I certainly should have been able to handle all that was on my plate. Not doing everything felt a lot like failing and I wanted anything but to feel like I had not lived up to some potential that I thought had been determined for me.

I remember the day where I thought to myself, "this just has to be enough and how do I stop this crazy train that I am driving". The day.. well, it was when I burst into tears over being out of milk. Full on tears. Over milk. Full of shame. Failing to meet some crazy standard I had set for myself that day of being the perfect girlfriend who makes her boyfriend breakfast before his work trip, in the midst of a hectic week, because I was certain that I could do it all. I am not sure if I cried in that moment because I realized that being a perfect girlfriend is not attainable, or the realization that I could not do everything, or the fact that I was actually questioning if my boyfriend would still love me when he found out I was not wonder woman, or from being exhausted from striving for so much all of the time. I'm going with all of above, as illogical as all of those thoughts may be.

Of course, I tried to recover quickly in the moment, saying I was just tired, and suppressing all those emotions, hoping I could pretend to shut off my mind, and stop my tears for the duration of the breakfast. The saddest part is that all I really wanted was an hour of enjoying being with him and feeling connected. I spent the rest of that day trying to recover and wrestling with how I come clean about where I actually was. On a lot of days last semester, that felt a lot like a sinking ship. I was no where near even knowing how to admit the reality of where I was, but clearly, the moment you start crying over milk, that isn't even spilled, is probably your enough point. At least, it was mine.

Thanks to my graduate program, I am an eternal student of development theory and aware that I am transitioning from seeing self-sacrifice as value for my goodness, and learning that I need to find care for myself (Gilligan's second transition). I am in some serious growth now, full of cognitive dissonance, which I find really hard some days and a total breeze on others. Thankful each day to be where I am, learning and making different choices - much more like a sailing ship.

Niequist wrote a chapter entitled, "Things I Don't Do", where she reflects on her own battle with doing everything and needing to articulate (she's a list maker too!) what she had to quit in order to do the things that allow for the life that we are really intended to be living. I am working on writing my own list, actively turning down opportunities I would have piled on before, and making room for the ability to say yes to the things that are deeply important to me.

As hard as it was to reach this point, I am encouraged daily, and I hope that sharing this will encourage all of you that are struggling with your EVERYTHING. What is on your list of things you don't do so you can say yes?

2014 reflections.

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good" - John Steinbeck

2014 was a really beautiful, changing, messy, struggling, loving kind of year. Half the time I was basking in the moments of pure joy and happiness and the other half the time I was battling expectations and impossible perfection. All of which led to a pursuit of peacefulness in knowing my freedom and appreciation for the people, opportunities, and moments that are given to me each day to make up my life.

As I am thinking about the new year, and all of the unexpected things it has already brought, I am also reflecting and celebrating all that the previous year held. The truth is, my highlight reel is pretty big and overwhelming in the amount of moments I was keenly aware of love. I'm celebrating these little, big moments now, so I can remind myself each time my mind gets busy as a way to say, "quiet down little mind, rest in truth, be patient", which I know will probably happen about 15 times a day (and those will just be the ones I am aware of). For all that 2015 will hold, I hope to pursue and know love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Happy 2015! Enjoy some highlights from 2014!

Dates with Momma

Dancing with Justin

NYC with Kerri & Erica

Literacy Nights

Dustin's Graduation

Painting & Life Conversations

New Team

Students

Old Friends

New Friends

x.