The dance

I never really bought into fairy tales as a little girl, I gravitated more towards complicated stories that were messy and imperfect, because I already knew that is how love would look sometimes. If I wrote a fairy tale though, it would probably be a lot like Beauty and the Beast because there are books, and dancing, and she is a little strong willed. Mostly... because of the dancing!

Dancing connects to me in a way I don't quite understand. When the movement begins, my mind stops working so hard. I've been dancing my way through the good and challenging in life for quite some time now, dreaming of that one who is always going to find their way to the dance floor with me.

I read a blog post by Hannah Brencher, that just wrecked me. Like, I read it several times while tears rolled down my face. Not a pretty cry. Like real big tears that blocked my view of the screen, made my nose runny, and laughter come out (a sign of my big cry). Some words just do that to you. You read them thinking, someone captured my heart right there in those words. 

I've been pretty dedicated to growing and developing these past few months. Not like I want to get through this moment and then I'll think about what I learned later. No, not like that. A lot like, I am going to pursue wisdom and understanding in places that make me incredibly scared, joyful, and vulnerable in ways that I don't even want to be with myself. I've been praying, A LOT. And growing, A LOT. 

There are moments when I want to rest, like this week, when I don't want to pray, or read, or write, because I know there is going to be something in it that I don't feel ready for. Even the good, this week. I am not even certain I am ready for that. In those moments of just not wanting to be vulnerable, my armor comes out. Now I know what it looks like when I fall to that, but I didn't fight it at first. I let it come over me until I read that post and then it was like a sweet whisper of, you don't have to put that on. I won't let you go, just trust me. 

I am reminded a lot in this season how uncomfortable I feel trusting others, even God, putting up barriers that others won't want to fight through. Desperately hoping that someone will, validated when they don't, praying that God will heal that space, and not trusting that He can. 

Then right there on my screen and right into my heart, God reminded me that I am already loved the way I dreamed of. He put that desire in me to love Him. I don't have to wait until the next song to find a partner. He is the most faithful, showing up in every beat of the song. When I twirl out, He watches me ever so closely, holding onto me, if only by my fingertips. He holds me tightly with strength, giving the confidence and fulfillment that only He can. When I step on His toes, He gives encouragement. I don't have to give a perfect performance or even know the steps. He will lead me. Just like that, in full surrender, I can let go. He's got me. 

{Celebrate} The Things I Do

A gift that I have been given these past two months has been the space to reconnect with my self-awareness. I have learned that striving to be everything is a fruitless path. It dominates more than your time. Living without boundaries creates negative thoughts, bitterness, and generates behaviors that you don't recognize in yourself. The really great news is that I am neither the rescuer for other people nor all things. We are all created uniquely, by a perfect design, and with purpose. How incredibly freeing to know that we don't have to live everyone else's purpose? We only need to live out our own.

I am really not usually the girl who lacks a sense of self and clarity in purpose, but I was feeling a little like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, not knowing how I like to eat my eggs. Before I could start living from that center again, I needed some reflection to connect with what is me and what are the things I am doing for the approval of others. Naturally, I made lists - things I do and don't do.

First up, celebrating the Things I Do:

1. Pursue my relationship with God.
This is the foundation from which everything else is generated. It hasn't always looked that way, I've tried to run from or reject this at times, but it is my first, best, and most important relationship.

2. Appreciate when others help me.
My roommate made my bed the other day and I was so touched she took the time to do that act of kindness. I am the worst at asking for help, but I feel overwhelmed with appreciation when someone does something that adds support to my day.

3. Small, intimate gatherings.
I always try to convince myself that I enjoy shindigs of any size but I actually dislike large parties. I am more authentic when I host or attend more intimate gatherings that allow me to genuinely connect with those in attendance. At larger parties, I can usually be found creating a smaller setting with a group of people.

4. Experiences.
I find happiness in so many moments of my day because I treasure experiences and the process for arriving at them. There isn't much that I don't think of as moment to be savored. Sharing a meal at the table is one of my favorites.

5. Travel.
My wanderlust is serious. There are so many places to explore and people to know. Now, if only my budget could catch up!

6. Alone Time.
I love people and I have a threshold of time for being with people. It is either genetic or a learned behavior from my Momma. Either way, stealing away for a few minutes allows my mind to settle, recharges me, and lets me be present when I engage again.

7. Write.
Letters. Blog Post. Prayers. Lists. Notes. I write it all down. Storytelling fills my heart. I am thrilled when I receive written forms of communication. A used book with an inscription is like candy to me because I imagine story lines involving those people. And, I have a hard time parting with letters and my lectures notes from my favorite classes. Maybe I'll get paid to write someday.

8. Breakfast.
My favorite meal is breakfast. If every Saturday morning involved a leisure moment to sip coffee on the porch and have a full breakfast with people I love, I'd be delighted. I'll sneak in a breakfast experience any chance I get!

9. Nest at Home.
For all of my gallivanting ways, I sure love to be in my home, wherever that may be in the current season of my life. Days where I work on little projects and have leisure time at home (probably in my PJ's) balance me out. I always hope that I create a space where others feel like they are at home when they visit.

10. Learn and pursue work I am passionate about.
There are so many fascinating things out there to be learning about and doing. I wish I had time for all the ways I would serve my community or careers I would pursue. I don't have a master plan for how I want it all to look. My only hope is that I contribute my talents in the ways that I am led to.

11. Vote.
I turned in my voter registration paperwork on my 18th birthday which was the best present. Community and political engagement energize me. I can usually be found beside myself with excitement on election night as the results come in.

12. Invest in my relationships.
I have been blessed with a really great home team to do life with. Each season of my life has been filled with people I am so fortunate to know, love, and be in community with. I treasure these people.

13. Laugh when I cry.
If I start crying, I will also, usually, start laughing. I used to think it was embarrassing, but then I realized that it is a gift to know joy and hope in the midst of hard stuff. I hope that I use it to remain with people in their messiest moments.


When you strip away all of the supposed to's, what are the things that you do which help you to live out your gifts?

Next up? The Things I Don't Do!

Apples + Courage

Student Affairs professionals are gifted with experiencing community with our students. Sometimes I think they, more than others, are able to see the best in me and the flaws I wish I could perfect. As I have grown in my role, I have become increasingly aware that they watch. They watch how I interact with others, which decisions I challenge them on, how I dedicate my personal time, who and how I date, and the ways in which I live my values.

Last week, a student chose me to be honored in a ceremony called, Apple Polishing. The students who participate in this program are able to select one staff member they feel has impacted them or assisted them in their growth. Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised when my student, Sidney, chose me to be her guest. I had only begun working with her this semester and I questioned what experience she could have had with me that warranted such an honor.

As she began her speech about why she selected me, she confessed to reading my blog before we had even really met. Then she quoted lines from a post that had been meaningful for her and created connection for us. She described that it had been my courage that resonated with her, the courage she read in that post and the courage she had observed in me over the last couple of months. I felt so surprised and it was so touching that I almost didn't know how to respond so I cried, couldn't help it, and generously thanked her.

I keep thinking about that moment last week and how courageous she was to share why she connected to what I had written. My experiences this last school year have taught me that it is the ordinary moments of life that require the most courage. It is in those moments that I think we are called to be vulnerable, passionate, loving, forgiving, inspired, and aware of our fears - our most true self. It is the ordinary moments that I have come to appreciate the most because they generate my truest, most honest, happiest heart.

Thank you, Sidney, for watching and for valuing a piece of myself that I shared, without even knowing. I cherish this apple.

adventures in dating: breaking up

For over a year, I kept bumping into this guy that I had met through a mutual friend. When our paths crossed for the third time, he asked me out. I felt unsure. Actually, I was sure that we would hang out, figure out we didn't like each other, and go on about our business. I'm pretty certain that I even looked like a hot mess on our first date, that I made us call a non-date. Embarrassing. 

Of course, you know how it goes with the one that you don't see coming. Around the fourth date, I definitely wanted to date the guy I didn't want to date. For a time, we we made a great team and really cared about one another. I guess what happens in a lot of relationships happened to us, everything is great until it isn't. Even if you weren't anticipating it, there it is.

It had been a while since I had a relationship I cared to have an official break up over, but I've learned some things through my years of dating:

You can't compete with old relationships they are not ready to move on from or things they have not wrestled with yet. We all want to be that one that finally helps them forget about that ex or move on from a certain issue but the reality is that you cannot control this. It has to be their choice. Relationships are worth fighting for, but if you are always fighting for it, it might not be as good as you think. Muster up the courage to move on when you need to. 

Social media will not be your friend at first. Hide, block, remove, or whatever you need to do to stop yourself from the endless amount of torture that you could cause yourself. Do you really want to watch them courting someone else? And don't post things to purposely torture them.

Appreciate the positive things the relationship brought into your life but don't get stuck there. Sure you shared interests and experiences. They may be the only person you've dated or will date that enjoyed watching your favorite movie or did your favorite activity with you but don't stop yourself from moving on because you feel nostalgic. If there are stellar qualities about them that you came to learn you need/want from a relationship or in a partner, identify and seek them in your next relationship.

Stop being an option. Your breakup or separation might be just what the two of you needed in order to create a healthy relationship. In that instance, go for it! There are the times though that you become an option they are keeping versus the one that they are choosing. I admit, I failed here, for a long while. It feels good to have the person you care about calling, texting, or wanting to see you. They may even still care for you, but if he/she isn't choosing you, stop choosing them. 

Some days you will just miss them. There will be all the little things you miss about them. The heartbreakers are the ones you almost did not even notice until they were not there anymore. Then there will be the big stuff, like getting a new opportunity at work or finding out a family member has cancer, and you'll wish they were there. I distinctly remember the moment I was crying in the bathroom at work over a family member being sick, and then crying more remembering the person I really wanted to call had a new girlfriend. Take deep breaths on these days. You will get through them. 

Express your feelings but stay away from the words you will regret. There was a moment I wanted to fire off a message that said, "must be nice to....", but I resisted the temptation. How you handle your communication will reflect more about you than them. Be the person you will feel proud of and not the one who took a jab and is regretting it. Communicate the things you need to say to them. Vent to a trusted friend. 

Give yourself time to heal. Whether it was your choice, theirs, or a mutual decision, it takes time to move through your feelings about a relationship you have been in. It may mean you have to make some tough choices to create space for yourself, such as stopping communicating with them or admitting that you aren't as ok as you want to be. The two of you might eventually even be the best of friends. Give yourself the time and space you need. Do what you need to do. 

Maybe you'll realize this person is the great love of your life and you'll figure it all out. Don't stop your life holding out for that. It is more likely that you will learn from this relationship and apply that knowledge with your next partner. Either way, have courage to do it all over again!

x.