{Celebrate} The Things I Do

A gift that I have been given these past two months has been the space to reconnect with my self-awareness. I have learned that striving to be everything is a fruitless path. It dominates more than your time. Living without boundaries creates negative thoughts, bitterness, and generates behaviors that you don't recognize in yourself. The really great news is that I am neither the rescuer for other people nor all things. We are all created uniquely, by a perfect design, and with purpose. How incredibly freeing to know that we don't have to live everyone else's purpose? We only need to live out our own.

I am really not usually the girl who lacks a sense of self and clarity in purpose, but I was feeling a little like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, not knowing how I like to eat my eggs. Before I could start living from that center again, I needed some reflection to connect with what is me and what are the things I am doing for the approval of others. Naturally, I made lists - things I do and don't do.

First up, celebrating the Things I Do:

1. Pursue my relationship with God.
This is the foundation from which everything else is generated. It hasn't always looked that way, I've tried to run from or reject this at times, but it is my first, best, and most important relationship.

2. Appreciate when others help me.
My roommate made my bed the other day and I was so touched she took the time to do that act of kindness. I am the worst at asking for help, but I feel overwhelmed with appreciation when someone does something that adds support to my day.

3. Small, intimate gatherings.
I always try to convince myself that I enjoy shindigs of any size but I actually dislike large parties. I am more authentic when I host or attend more intimate gatherings that allow me to genuinely connect with those in attendance. At larger parties, I can usually be found creating a smaller setting with a group of people.

4. Experiences.
I find happiness in so many moments of my day because I treasure experiences and the process for arriving at them. There isn't much that I don't think of as moment to be savored. Sharing a meal at the table is one of my favorites.

5. Travel.
My wanderlust is serious. There are so many places to explore and people to know. Now, if only my budget could catch up!

6. Alone Time.
I love people and I have a threshold of time for being with people. It is either genetic or a learned behavior from my Momma. Either way, stealing away for a few minutes allows my mind to settle, recharges me, and lets me be present when I engage again.

7. Write.
Letters. Blog Post. Prayers. Lists. Notes. I write it all down. Storytelling fills my heart. I am thrilled when I receive written forms of communication. A used book with an inscription is like candy to me because I imagine story lines involving those people. And, I have a hard time parting with letters and my lectures notes from my favorite classes. Maybe I'll get paid to write someday.

8. Breakfast.
My favorite meal is breakfast. If every Saturday morning involved a leisure moment to sip coffee on the porch and have a full breakfast with people I love, I'd be delighted. I'll sneak in a breakfast experience any chance I get!

9. Nest at Home.
For all of my gallivanting ways, I sure love to be in my home, wherever that may be in the current season of my life. Days where I work on little projects and have leisure time at home (probably in my PJ's) balance me out. I always hope that I create a space where others feel like they are at home when they visit.

10. Learn and pursue work I am passionate about.
There are so many fascinating things out there to be learning about and doing. I wish I had time for all the ways I would serve my community or careers I would pursue. I don't have a master plan for how I want it all to look. My only hope is that I contribute my talents in the ways that I am led to.

11. Vote.
I turned in my voter registration paperwork on my 18th birthday which was the best present. Community and political engagement energize me. I can usually be found beside myself with excitement on election night as the results come in.

12. Invest in my relationships.
I have been blessed with a really great home team to do life with. Each season of my life has been filled with people I am so fortunate to know, love, and be in community with. I treasure these people.

13. Laugh when I cry.
If I start crying, I will also, usually, start laughing. I used to think it was embarrassing, but then I realized that it is a gift to know joy and hope in the midst of hard stuff. I hope that I use it to remain with people in their messiest moments.


When you strip away all of the supposed to's, what are the things that you do which help you to live out your gifts?

Next up? The Things I Don't Do!

What do I avoid praying for?

I had a great conversation recently about fear, admitting the things that we really hope to receive, and how we pray for them. I was asked what it was that I desired most but didn't pray about and without thinking about what my "right" answer should be, I blurted out, "a family". As soon as it came out, I laughed at my own ridiculousness. Seriously, that is the thing I am not praying for? As if God, and everyone who knows me, wouldn't already know that is the answer to that question. Or maybe it isn't as known as I think? So why in all of my time praying am I not asking for it? Maybe my fear of not getting it had gotten in the way of truthfulness or maybe I was scared that God would answer my prayer and then what. My heart is already known but there is great freedom, love, and peacefulness in actually requesting it so that it can be known in a greater way.

As I started to ask for the courage to admit what was on my heart, I began writing because I often find my truest thoughts in that space. A lot of my imagination for writing happens in letter format so I wasn't surprised when without analyzing or questioning, out came this little letter to a future child that I hope to have with a future husband. All unknown and fully honest. And this little letter brought tears to my eyes, not because it said anything profound, but because it came out of the most vulnerable part of my heart.

Even as I am about to hit the publish button, I cringe, hesitating to let you all into this vulnerable space. I decided to share it with all of you anyway, not only to share what is on my heart, but to encourage you to explore those spaces in yourself where you are suppressing requests or feeling fearful.

Dear little one,

I spent almost my whole life hoping that I would someday be entrusted with you. It is taking a long time to grow me and make me ready to be your mom, but we will get there, and I'll still be learning. I might be terrified, by the way, but will arise each day loving and pursuing you, knowing that God will provide what I need to be your mom.

I dream about the possibilities of who you might become and all of the things that I hope we teach you. There is a great big world out there full of people who live, eat, look, and think differently than we do at home. I hope we take you to places where you can learn to love and appreciate people who are like us and those that may seem different. I want you to really know people and be ignited by places and experiences that excite you. I hope that you love learning, discovering, creating, and playing. I hope that you enjoy fun and silly moments that seem small now but will one day be big. I pray that you will never fear for where you will sleep, know hunger, or lack education, but that you have a heart for those that do. I hope that you experience failure so that you learn perfection isn't the goal. On any given day, let the soundtrack to our life be laughter and humility. For the days that we do it all well, there will be many others that one or all of us in this family will miss the mark on loving each other well. At home, we will do love, prayer, service, kindness, apologies, forgiveness, learning, and then more love. I envision that the table will be the centerpiece of our home where we will share meals, life, devotions, and learning. I hope that you have a heart that makes the whole world feel like home. I pray that I trust not in my own expectations but rather in the purpose that has been designed for you, just like my parents did for me. In moments when you aren't sure if you even like us, we will still pursue you, because we are pursued that way. You may grow up to be many things, but I hope that we teach you most about pursuing God and knowing His love which is greater than anything your dad or I could ever give you.

Speaking of your dad, I'm writing you this before this is even close to being a reality, which is probably crazy, but your momma is a dreamer. Blame it on literature. I haven't even said yes to one of the biggest questions I will ever be asked. When I say yes to your dad, I know that my faith will have grown bigger than my trust in him. While I'm sure your dad will ask in a special way with a pretty ring, it matters most that we commit to pursuing a life together that is rooted in faith, love and service. We will be two people who are flawed, perfectly made and full of love for each other. I hope you see and learn from the choices that we make to remain in that love.

While I don't know when you will arrive or if I will ever actually be called mom by you, I'll trust in the plan that is for my life, knowing that it will not have loose ends and all of the chapters will be in the right order.

x.

Learning about what I don't do while crying over milk

This current season has brought up a lot of great conversations with my girlfriends about the things we commit to doing, and maybe even more importantly, the things that we say no to so that we can say yes to the things that hold the most truth in our lives. When I read Bittersweet and Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist, it was like a bomb exploded in my heart. She wrote great, powerful pieces about the walk we take in doing life with others, pursuing faith, and the experiences that our lives present. I literally have pages and pages where entire paragraphs are highlighted as the words were challenging me and stirring up opportunities for growth.

One of my favorite chapters featured her tough lessons on overcoming her inclination to do EVERYTHING. Everything for everyone being my drug of choice in the fall. My list of things to do better had been getting long, quite long, and weighty, with what felt like new things being added all the time, never with the thought about what should I stop doing. Stop doing anything? Um, no. For a long time, I had been the girl that could do everything. I don't even have a husband or kids yet so I certainly should have been able to handle all that was on my plate. Not doing everything felt a lot like failing and I wanted anything but to feel like I had not lived up to some potential that I thought had been determined for me.

I remember the day where I thought to myself, "this just has to be enough and how do I stop this crazy train that I am driving". The day.. well, it was when I burst into tears over being out of milk. Full on tears. Over milk. Full of shame. Failing to meet some crazy standard I had set for myself that day of being the perfect girlfriend who makes her boyfriend breakfast before his work trip, in the midst of a hectic week, because I was certain that I could do it all. I am not sure if I cried in that moment because I realized that being a perfect girlfriend is not attainable, or the realization that I could not do everything, or the fact that I was actually questioning if my boyfriend would still love me when he found out I was not wonder woman, or from being exhausted from striving for so much all of the time. I'm going with all of above, as illogical as all of those thoughts may be.

Of course, I tried to recover quickly in the moment, saying I was just tired, and suppressing all those emotions, hoping I could pretend to shut off my mind, and stop my tears for the duration of the breakfast. The saddest part is that all I really wanted was an hour of enjoying being with him and feeling connected. I spent the rest of that day trying to recover and wrestling with how I come clean about where I actually was. On a lot of days last semester, that felt a lot like a sinking ship. I was no where near even knowing how to admit the reality of where I was, but clearly, the moment you start crying over milk, that isn't even spilled, is probably your enough point. At least, it was mine.

Thanks to my graduate program, I am an eternal student of development theory and aware that I am transitioning from seeing self-sacrifice as value for my goodness, and learning that I need to find care for myself (Gilligan's second transition). I am in some serious growth now, full of cognitive dissonance, which I find really hard some days and a total breeze on others. Thankful each day to be where I am, learning and making different choices - much more like a sailing ship.

Niequist wrote a chapter entitled, "Things I Don't Do", where she reflects on her own battle with doing everything and needing to articulate (she's a list maker too!) what she had to quit in order to do the things that allow for the life that we are really intended to be living. I am working on writing my own list, actively turning down opportunities I would have piled on before, and making room for the ability to say yes to the things that are deeply important to me.

As hard as it was to reach this point, I am encouraged daily, and I hope that sharing this will encourage all of you that are struggling with your EVERYTHING. What is on your list of things you don't do so you can say yes?

Remaining

I had never been to the state of Arkansas or even knew anyone who had been there when I visited campus for an interview in 2009. It was the furthest I had lived from family, the lowest paying job I interviewed for, and I did not know a single person for miles around, but I knew without a shred of doubt that I was meant to go there. I'm grateful, all the time, for that part of my plan.

While I was there, I met my friend Lyndsy. She inspired me with her pursuit in natural childbirth, living with less measures, and comfort in her own vulnerability. Her vulnerability often challenged my own discomfort in that arena. She would often allow me to give my first response to a question and then with patience and love, she would pursue my answer again, allowing me to have space to communicate what was really on my heart. Every time I felt thankful for her pursuit of me in those moments and the space she provided for me to be seen and known.

During my time there, I watched Lyndsy become a mother. I watched her find joy in the transition and struggle through the hard pieces with honesty and love, showing up each day with renewed strength. Her little one began these crying fits that lasted hours, requiring perseverance, a lot of faith, and unrelenting love. Her husband had to travel for work so I went over to assist in an effort of support and to help her not lose her mind. I LOVE babies, happy or throwing a fit for hours, so I felt up for the job. We could see the relief that he needed, mainly sleep and food, but he resisted, struggling through, fighting off our love and comfort, searching for something while missing the fact that we were offering all that he needed. So we kept pursuing him that night, giving patience while he fought us, providing what he needed even when he turned it down, wrapping him in love, until he finally surrendered to peace and comfort.

The memory of my friendship with her in that moment with her little guy makes me smile and think, of course, because it is how my relationship with God can look at times. He provides, calls me higher, deeper into His plan, and I gear up for battle, determined to create my own plan and turning away from Him and all that he is providing for me, failing to see that everything I need (and probably asked for) is being given to me.

Moving back to Tampa was not in my plan but the doors opened and I felt the call to return. It has been the best move and hardest move for many reasons. In the fall, I had this sudden awareness that the plan that was unfolding looked nothing like I thought it would, unfamiliar in a familiar place, and I got to work battling to fulfill my own expectations. It was tumultuous and exhausting, resting no where in my faith or identity. Still I fought, much like my friend's little one did that night, and so He pursued me with a greater amount of love, a brutal but needed mirror, a lot of forgiveness, and comfort to remain.

God used it, is using it, to teach me a lot about love. Falling in love can be quite easy - the thrill of the newness can be exhilarating but the great stuff happens in the remaining. I fell in love with God a long time ago but remaining, choosing over and over again to be faithful, to find humility in my moments of discomfort, staying when other things entice me or seem easier, is where I lose my way at times. I'm thankful in those moments that He pursues us more, allowing our hearts to better seen, and faithfully staying with us in it, through it, and after it.

I am learning a lot about how I walk out that love for Him and other people, when I choose to respond to my immediate emotions, rather than from the truth and joy that is within me. Real love is remaining - in community, kindness, forgiveness, grace, contentment, gratitude, and choosing to stay in the remaining when I could give up or throw up barriers. I don't always know how to walk out love in that way, and there will be moments when my fear threatens those spaces, but I surrender to that He does, knowing I will be taught, be given people that will walk out that out with me by asking the question again, when I need them to, in order to share what is really in my heart. I will be made brave in those moments.

"The foundation of bravery is about pursuing love.. its takes bravery to choose 

to continuously walk out that love, come what may."

Apples + Courage

Student Affairs professionals are gifted with experiencing community with our students. Sometimes I think they, more than others, are able to see the best in me and the flaws I wish I could perfect. As I have grown in my role, I have become increasingly aware that they watch. They watch how I interact with others, which decisions I challenge them on, how I dedicate my personal time, who and how I date, and the ways in which I live my values.

Last week, a student chose me to be honored in a ceremony called, Apple Polishing. The students who participate in this program are able to select one staff member they feel has impacted them or assisted them in their growth. Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised when my student, Sidney, chose me to be her guest. I had only begun working with her this semester and I questioned what experience she could have had with me that warranted such an honor.

As she began her speech about why she selected me, she confessed to reading my blog before we had even really met. Then she quoted lines from a post that had been meaningful for her and created connection for us. She described that it had been my courage that resonated with her, the courage she read in that post and the courage she had observed in me over the last couple of months. I felt so surprised and it was so touching that I almost didn't know how to respond so I cried, couldn't help it, and generously thanked her.

I keep thinking about that moment last week and how courageous she was to share why she connected to what I had written. My experiences this last school year have taught me that it is the ordinary moments of life that require the most courage. It is in those moments that I think we are called to be vulnerable, passionate, loving, forgiving, inspired, and aware of our fears - our most true self. It is the ordinary moments that I have come to appreciate the most because they generate my truest, most honest, happiest heart.

Thank you, Sidney, for watching and for valuing a piece of myself that I shared, without even knowing. I cherish this apple.

go for it, i dare you

Grits & Gravy started in 2010 as this fun little project for me. In my heart, I just knew that I wanted to write. I wanted to write about the things that I invest in: women, reflection, education, relationships, celebrating the simple treasures in life, nesting in a home, adventure, and a hunger to experience life in all of its beautiful, imperfect forms. I didn't know if I would be any good at writing about these things or if it would be something anyone cared to read, but I decided to write anyway.

At times, I have struggled.  How much is too much? What if it seems ego driven? What if I misspelled a word or did not use proper punctuation? What if I write something hurtful to someone else? Whatever my fears were/are, I find that the more I have written authentically or the scarier a post is to publish, the greater the opportunity is to connect with you. 

This little blog has taught me a great deal, mostly, to just go for what it is in your heart to do. People may love it, hate it, or feel uncertain about it. Heck, you may even have all of those feelings. Do it anyway. You might totally fail, a lot of times. You might excel beyond even what you hoped for.

One of my recent posts tripled my average hits in less than 12 hours. At first, I was so excited I could pull a Tom Cruise (circa 2005) and jump on my couch. Then I thought, holy crap, that many people read that post. 3 years of writing, 142 posts, and then that 1 post that changed a lot of things. 

I went for it and you have supported me every post along the way. What I really should say is, thank you. It is so meaningful to me when I receive tweets, messages, likes, comments, or emails from you expressing the way that you connected with something I wrote. So many of you have graciously shared your own stories with me, which has, honestly, been the greatest gift of this experience.

You can't get the job you don't apply for, the adventure you don't take, the relationship you desire, or the life you seek without all the risk. So whatever that thing in your heart is, go for it! I dare you!

x. 

adventures in dating: breaking up

For over a year, I kept bumping into this guy that I had met through a mutual friend. When our paths crossed for the third time, he asked me out. I felt unsure. Actually, I was sure that we would hang out, figure out we didn't like each other, and go on about our business. I'm pretty certain that I even looked like a hot mess on our first date, that I made us call a non-date. Embarrassing. 

Of course, you know how it goes with the one that you don't see coming. Around the fourth date, I definitely wanted to date the guy I didn't want to date. For a time, we we made a great team and really cared about one another. I guess what happens in a lot of relationships happened to us, everything is great until it isn't. Even if you weren't anticipating it, there it is.

It had been a while since I had a relationship I cared to have an official break up over, but I've learned some things through my years of dating:

You can't compete with old relationships they are not ready to move on from or things they have not wrestled with yet. We all want to be that one that finally helps them forget about that ex or move on from a certain issue but the reality is that you cannot control this. It has to be their choice. Relationships are worth fighting for, but if you are always fighting for it, it might not be as good as you think. Muster up the courage to move on when you need to. 

Social media will not be your friend at first. Hide, block, remove, or whatever you need to do to stop yourself from the endless amount of torture that you could cause yourself. Do you really want to watch them courting someone else? And don't post things to purposely torture them.

Appreciate the positive things the relationship brought into your life but don't get stuck there. Sure you shared interests and experiences. They may be the only person you've dated or will date that enjoyed watching your favorite movie or did your favorite activity with you but don't stop yourself from moving on because you feel nostalgic. If there are stellar qualities about them that you came to learn you need/want from a relationship or in a partner, identify and seek them in your next relationship.

Stop being an option. Your breakup or separation might be just what the two of you needed in order to create a healthy relationship. In that instance, go for it! There are the times though that you become an option they are keeping versus the one that they are choosing. I admit, I failed here, for a long while. It feels good to have the person you care about calling, texting, or wanting to see you. They may even still care for you, but if he/she isn't choosing you, stop choosing them. 

Some days you will just miss them. There will be all the little things you miss about them. The heartbreakers are the ones you almost did not even notice until they were not there anymore. Then there will be the big stuff, like getting a new opportunity at work or finding out a family member has cancer, and you'll wish they were there. I distinctly remember the moment I was crying in the bathroom at work over a family member being sick, and then crying more remembering the person I really wanted to call had a new girlfriend. Take deep breaths on these days. You will get through them. 

Express your feelings but stay away from the words you will regret. There was a moment I wanted to fire off a message that said, "must be nice to....", but I resisted the temptation. How you handle your communication will reflect more about you than them. Be the person you will feel proud of and not the one who took a jab and is regretting it. Communicate the things you need to say to them. Vent to a trusted friend. 

Give yourself time to heal. Whether it was your choice, theirs, or a mutual decision, it takes time to move through your feelings about a relationship you have been in. It may mean you have to make some tough choices to create space for yourself, such as stopping communicating with them or admitting that you aren't as ok as you want to be. The two of you might eventually even be the best of friends. Give yourself the time and space you need. Do what you need to do. 

Maybe you'll realize this person is the great love of your life and you'll figure it all out. Don't stop your life holding out for that. It is more likely that you will learn from this relationship and apply that knowledge with your next partner. Either way, have courage to do it all over again!

x.  

dear future self

Dear Future Self,

I have been thinking a lot about you lately, wondering about who you will be and all of the things you become.

Maybe you rediscovered this letter tucked away in your favorite copy of an old book, with pages that are falling out, as you sit in a corner of a little cafe in your favorite part of your city, wrapped up in your newest favorite cardigan, with your hair behind your ears, sipping coffee, escaping to have a moment for yourself. At least, that is how I picture you. Almost the same, yet entirely different.

My hope for you, or rather, the things I know to be probably true are that:

You get lost in the things that you love. You find yourself there too

Life is still an adventure

You helped a child fall in love with books by teaching them to read

The days you were labeled as everyone's cheerleader never stopped

Students send you notes updating you on their adventures because you made an impact in their lives

Maybe you finally got that PhD or chased the next dream job or maybe you didn't

You remain driven by purposeful work

Friendships fill your life with immense joy

Secretary remains your CSAA 2009 unofficial title. You still hope that you measured up to be the professional they thought you would be when they gave you the Miller award

You go to the mat every time you believe something is worth fighting for

Being a big sister has only grown sweeter as Dustin and Kyle have become great men

You wrote something that made someone think, act, or be more courageous with their own life

Your passport is full of stamps

All the kiddos call on you for life advice because you are the "cool" Aunt that discusses the tough stuff over chips and dip

Life knocked you down a few more times, it was a brutal teacher, but you learned

Your four parents feel proud of the daughter they raised

And your faith continues to challenge, support, and grow with you

I hope that the soundtrack to your life is the pitter patter of little feet and laughter, not any ole kind, but the kind that makes your stomach hurt. There are days you think you are failing miserably but you aren't. And that soccer team carpool might scare off others but your years of programming allow you to put together one heck of a day of show to manage it all. You will wonder how you ever had a life without them. Each day will be a new opportunity to teach them and fill their lives with love. Today, you are wondering who your children will become. I know Momma is your favorite title.

As you read this, I hope you smile thinking of the man you built a life with, the one who is your greatest teammate. You love him in ways you didn't know you could. You fight for and forgive each other when you hit turbulent roads. I know that you picked someone who knows the worst parts of you but helps you be the best version of yourself. Because of him, you don't always have to be so strong. His kiss on your forehead calms you. And for reasons he probably never articulates, he adores and protects you. While you have traveled the world, I know your favorite spot is with him.

You were fearful, at times, still will be, but you have emerged braver. With each day, you become more than you have ever been.

x.

Thank you Levo League for inspiring this post. 

the day i fell

"Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear.."
Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection

I prefer calculated leaps of faith where I have fully analyzed the situation and its options, talked it over with my confidants, and constructed a plan. There in that calculated leap of faith space, I am courageous. When heightened emotions cloud my logic and the next step is not clear, I do not feel so courageous. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, life does not always come in a cute little calculated package for you to unwrap.

So there I am running along having an in depth conversation with myself and the big guy upstairs.

My logic and my heart were in conflict. Two things were causing a stir in my life: 1. I was accepting that I have endometriosis and the pain each month was not going away. 2. My relationship got hit by an earthquake and probably would not make a comeback.

I was just running and running.. reflecting, processing, and praying that I was going to have the faith required of me to find acceptance, forgiveness, and strength.

Of course, I think that I can take control my emotions and create an action plan for how I will deal with something tough. I was pretty over feeling emotional, thinking I would just take charge, and then down I went.

Thank you, message heard loud and clear. I cannot control everything.

Why is falling in public such a epic event? I mean, really? I did not just fall. Oh, no. I tripped, thought I caught myself, tripped again, and then slid along the sidewalk as if I was sliding into home plate for the final point to win the game. 

I feel like the immediate reaction should be to get right up and save yourself from the embarrassment but I just laid there. After a few seconds, I got up and started walking, not quite ready to assess the damage yet.

And why is falling in public never without an audience? Along came a man on a motorcycle who had turned around when he witnessed my fall. Bless him, he was so kind. He asked if I was ok. Yes. Then he commented about how it was quite a fall and he worried that I was not getting up because I laid there so long. Well, I was not sure either. And did I need a ride home? No, I'm alright. Comfort from your falls can come in the most unlikely of places.

The fall was embarrassing, I skinned my hand up, and my shoe got muddy. My leap was not calculated, quite unplanned, and yet, all that really suffered was my pride (and skin on my palm). With my muddy shoe and bloody hand, I ran another three miles.

I have been thinking about that experience here and there over the last two months, usually with a laugh. My relationship did not last and I still have endometriosis. Those are facts. What I do with those facts are really the most important part. While uncomfortable at first, there is really good stuff on the other side of sitting (or laying) in your discomfort, getting up, brushing off the dirt, letting yourself heal, and keeping moving.

I am not sure that I will ever reach a point where I have no fear from my emotions or the things that are unknown. I can choose to have faith, to jump even when I have not ran all the analytics. In that space of faith and fear, there is strength and courage to become more than I have ever been.