adventures in dating: breaking up

For over a year, I kept bumping into this guy that I had met through a mutual friend. When our paths crossed for the third time, he asked me out. I felt unsure. Actually, I was sure that we would hang out, figure out we didn't like each other, and go on about our business. I'm pretty certain that I even looked like a hot mess on our first date, that I made us call a non-date. Embarrassing. 

Of course, you know how it goes with the one that you don't see coming. Around the fourth date, I definitely wanted to date the guy I didn't want to date. For a time, we we made a great team and really cared about one another. I guess what happens in a lot of relationships happened to us, everything is great until it isn't. Even if you weren't anticipating it, there it is.

It had been a while since I had a relationship I cared to have an official break up over, but I've learned some things through my years of dating:

You can't compete with old relationships they are not ready to move on from or things they have not wrestled with yet. We all want to be that one that finally helps them forget about that ex or move on from a certain issue but the reality is that you cannot control this. It has to be their choice. Relationships are worth fighting for, but if you are always fighting for it, it might not be as good as you think. Muster up the courage to move on when you need to. 

Social media will not be your friend at first. Hide, block, remove, or whatever you need to do to stop yourself from the endless amount of torture that you could cause yourself. Do you really want to watch them courting someone else? And don't post things to purposely torture them.

Appreciate the positive things the relationship brought into your life but don't get stuck there. Sure you shared interests and experiences. They may be the only person you've dated or will date that enjoyed watching your favorite movie or did your favorite activity with you but don't stop yourself from moving on because you feel nostalgic. If there are stellar qualities about them that you came to learn you need/want from a relationship or in a partner, identify and seek them in your next relationship.

Stop being an option. Your breakup or separation might be just what the two of you needed in order to create a healthy relationship. In that instance, go for it! There are the times though that you become an option they are keeping versus the one that they are choosing. I admit, I failed here, for a long while. It feels good to have the person you care about calling, texting, or wanting to see you. They may even still care for you, but if he/she isn't choosing you, stop choosing them. 

Some days you will just miss them. There will be all the little things you miss about them. The heartbreakers are the ones you almost did not even notice until they were not there anymore. Then there will be the big stuff, like getting a new opportunity at work or finding out a family member has cancer, and you'll wish they were there. I distinctly remember the moment I was crying in the bathroom at work over a family member being sick, and then crying more remembering the person I really wanted to call had a new girlfriend. Take deep breaths on these days. You will get through them. 

Express your feelings but stay away from the words you will regret. There was a moment I wanted to fire off a message that said, "must be nice to....", but I resisted the temptation. How you handle your communication will reflect more about you than them. Be the person you will feel proud of and not the one who took a jab and is regretting it. Communicate the things you need to say to them. Vent to a trusted friend. 

Give yourself time to heal. Whether it was your choice, theirs, or a mutual decision, it takes time to move through your feelings about a relationship you have been in. It may mean you have to make some tough choices to create space for yourself, such as stopping communicating with them or admitting that you aren't as ok as you want to be. The two of you might eventually even be the best of friends. Give yourself the time and space you need. Do what you need to do. 

Maybe you'll realize this person is the great love of your life and you'll figure it all out. Don't stop your life holding out for that. It is more likely that you will learn from this relationship and apply that knowledge with your next partner. Either way, have courage to do it all over again!

x.  

Adventures in Dating

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The number of potential suitors that I have encountered has certainly risen this year compared to years past but I find dating to be a weird sort of adventure in which I am still trying to figure out how it works. I feel a little like I have stepped back out in society, gotten off the bench, and am trying to sort out dating as an adult in a world that is not quite familiar.   

I spent a lot of this year doing what I call testing the waters dating. Different kinds of guys have caught my attention, sometimes they have pursued me and sometimes I tried out pursuing them. I met people while out with others or through friends. While my adventures in dating this year have not yielded a relationship, getting off the bench has actually been a great experience. Trying out all of these different types of people has given me a clearer picture about the type of person I would like to commit to when that time comes. In the meantime, you win some, you lose some and either way you are able to share an experience with another person. Hopefully, you even bring a little bit more awareness to yourself.  

Throughout my dating adventures this year, I've learned a few things about myself and gained lots of questions about how people date. As stone age as it sounds, I miss a little good old fashioned courtship. Two people meet, they flirt, man pursues woman, if she accepts his advances then she will happily return the favor. This is simple stuff that seems to be way over complicated these days. I have had fun this year and will continue to do so but I realize that the man that will actually halt me in my tracks will be one that takes a much more traditional approach with me. 

Maybe some of my insights into myself will resonate with you or maybe just peak some thoughts on dating for yourself. Either way, I am happy to share what dating has taught me this year.

Dating was easier in high school.

When a boy and a girl liked each other, there did not seem to be any of the guess work we put into play these days. He would get your number, actually call, you would return the favor and call him, then there would be some written note passing (my personal favorite), and before long you had decided whether you liked each other or not. You committed or you moved on. You called when you wanted to, did not abide by any rules, and always seemed to know where you stood. People say that we have so many more factors as adults but I think those are just excuses, ones that I myself have used. The reality is when it is someone you want to pursue or be with, you make it happen.

I am a girl that needs a little wooing from a man.

Maybe it is because individualization, woo and communication are my strengths but someone who is thoughtful about doing things that are meaningful to me or who communicates is a person that will really win me over. I appreciate thoughtful gestures that display someone's affection for you. For me, it is not grand things but sweet, simple, attentive ones: making one of my favorite meals, my favorite flowers, sending a quick hello I'm thinking about you message, or actually calling to talk to me. And if someone really wanted to win my heart, there would probably be a card/note with some personalized thoughts inside. Those acts that affirm and woo you get me every time.

I love to give love and to be loved.

I love people in love. I love the way children love without reservation. I love the way loving and being loved makes you feel. Plain and simple, I just love love. And when I love you as my friend or significant other, I'm all in. My ideas about what it will look like when I am in the right relationship with the right person may not be important to some but I need that butterflies, out of the ballpark, I love you so much it makes me initially scared but ultimately secure, we are in it together always, I love you more now than then kind of love. People may say that is unrealistic but it is lucky for me that I have people in my life that love someone else that deeply. I will happily wait or be alone because anything else just is not right for me.

Someday I will need one man in particular.

I was not raised to be a need a man kind of girl but someday there will be a man who I will choose because of who he is, who he helps me to be, and what we are together. I will still have an independent, I can do it by myself streak but he won't be phased by it. Maybe he will even like it. And while I may not need a man, I'll need that man.

The men in my family are a tough act to follow.

Most girls dream of having their fictional heroes in their life but I am blessed to know real men that are the living representations of those idols. My guys are intelligent, full of integrity, and the most hard working people I know. Bless them for marrying the strong women in my family but they are not intimidated. They would protect us with every ounce of themselves. So for the man who wants to join their ranks, well, he will have to be quite as special as they are.

Being in love scares me but I will do it anyway.

All of the great experiences I have had were initially met with some fear but I did them anyway. Love is a little like that for me. It is uncertain and I cannot control it nor create an action plan to manage it so it makes me nervous and cautious but I take the leap every time. It has never not been worth it.  

{Image from Dirty Dancing}

While it is not yet known what the duration of time my adventures in dating will be, I think it is safe to say that this post is "to be continued".

x. j

A Perfect Day...

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I finally picked up a book that I have been waiting to read entitled, The Art of Non-Conformity: Set your own rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the Word by Chris Guillebeau. In the book, Guillebeau dares his readers to create their world according to how they want to live. Clearly, this sentiment is right up my alley and I am thoroughly enjoying the thoughts that are being provoked from reading these pages.

The first exercise is to articulate your perfect day. Guillebeau asks that you describe this day in great detail, beginning to end. The idea is that once you are aware of the life you want, you should craft plans to get closer to living this perfect day. When I read the exercise I laughed because I had just had this "what would your perfect day be?" conversation a few days before. The first time I answered this question, my answer was a rambling hot mess (partly because the person I was discussing it with had such a great answer that it made me flustered) but when I was executing this exercise, I really just let my mind wander and explore this idea.

On my perfect day...

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I would wake up at 7:30am, not because the alarm is ringing but because it is already a gorgeous day outside and the sun in shinning through my windows. Still a little groggy, I roll over to cuddle for a bit with my husband before rising out of bed to make breakfast. When my feet hit the floor, I realize that it is turning fall because I feel a slight chill in the air. In our little cottage on the lake, I look out the window to the water as I prepare coffee. By 8:30am, I am drinking a cup of coffee while reading the Saturday morning paper or catching up on blogs. The kitchen would smell like bacon and I would scramble egg whites mixed with bell pepper to compliment our meal. Over breakfast, my husband and I would discuss our plans for the day before setting off on our own adventures. I would take in a morning hot yoga class followed by a trip to the farmers market to pick up fresh veggies for the week. Afterwards, I return home for a little lite lunch - salad greens with red onion, cucumber, bell pepper, and red wine vinegar. I would enjoy my salad outside on the porch soaking up the sunshine. After lunch, the mister would come home and we would spend a little quality time together out on the boat or going for a run. There would be no cell phones or television, just the two of us enjoying the afternoon together. Around 6pm, we would turn on our favorite music to prepare a little supper for a few friends and/or family members. My husband would cook some meat on the grill while I roasted up some veggies inside and talked with my favorite girls. After supper, we would build a small bonfire to roast smores and enjoy conversation with the people closest to us. At 9:00pm, we would say goodbye to our last guest and decide that all of the dishes could wait until the morning. My husband would pull me in close to kiss me and suggest that we get in a little practice making that baby we keep talking about having.

Exercises such as these are kind of easy for me, I am the ultimate idealist and could get lost in my imagination for hours until my logic rears its head and I get it together. When I was writing this perfect day, it surprised me to find that so much of it involved a partner. After all, I am the girl who is perpetually perfectly okay with being alone. I guess that I am moving into a new phase. I could be ready to create space for somebody else in my life. I have no clue what that looks like but I am open, for a change, to the possibility.

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A History of Dating: Reflections

While I started my career in students affairs, a lot of my college friends were getting married and starting families. My life that did not include any of that and I found it challenging to really connect with those friends. The dissonance was a blessing because it gave me some much need reflection time. I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing for me. I did not need for it to be validated or understood by anyone else. I was closed off to the possibility of a relationship because I wanted a little room to breathe. I had not been being true to me or the things that I wanted in a partner and I knew it. The brutal truth was I had gone looking for all the wrong things and every minute of it felt like water torture. I no longer felt interested in the filler guy or someone to just go on a date with. If I was going to venture back into dating, I wanted it to be for a genuine connection. 

Along the way, I have learned a great deal... I absolutely believe in love but I think it is not something that can be forced. It comes in its own time. Vulnerability is something that I work at everyday. Trust takes time. I do not always have it together even if I am sporting a smile on my face. I am incredibly loyal. Some day I want to be a momma and would like someone to share my life with. I am thankful for my history and hope that I always find the courage for what is next. We do not always get it right but I think that is good because it makes the moments we do all that much sweeter. I have never lost confidence in myself or the life I have chosen, it may look different but it is just the way I hoped it would be.

Several years later, I am still single. While I have no idea what the future holds for me or if there will be my own version of a Johnny (Dirty Dancing reference), I am really good with me. Your twenties are just this tumultuous love affair filled with the times of your life and the moments that just make you cry. I would not do anything different because all of it has brought me to this point. The rest is still unwritten.

"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful"

A History of Dating: Part Three

As soon as I graduated from college, I took off to start a new chapter of my life in Washington, DC. I loved everything about being the city: the job, the culture, the people, and the yoga on every corner did not hurt. I often refer to DC as some of the best years of my life because it truly was. There was also a lot going on underneath the surface. My getting off the rollercoaster with Tony Harris took me almost a year to get used to. There was not anyone to ask me about my day or share my life with. At twenty-two, I had embarked on a brave new journey… all by myself. 

Somewhere around the end of the year, I decided that I would finally give a relationship a chance. I choose to finally be with Scott, the brother of my best friend. Scott and I had an odd sort of a relationship. He had asked me to be with him about a year before I met Tony but I had a dozen hesitations and when it came down to it, I could not do it. While home for New Years, I chose to spend the holiday with my best friend, her husband and Scott. In my head, this was perfect timing for me to tell Scott what I had been thinking and get on with this relationship. One problem arose, much to my surprise, he was no longer single. Just before we rang in the new year, the new girl walked in through the door. The rest of the night ended with the new girl staying over while I slept on the couch, with his dog. In the morning, I awoke feeling heartbroken. After an hour of talking it through with him, I left still crying with snot coming from places that I did not know existed.  Looking back, my heart was not really into being with him. I wanted to not be so alone and I thought I picked out the best option. Unfortunately, you cannot just up and make those kinds of decisions.

Still fresh from the Scott situation, I began talking to a guy friend, who I refer to as Crazy, from my hometown. One thing led to another and soon he was visiting me in DC and I was going to South Carolina to visit him. At the time, Crazy said all of the things that I wanted to hear so I dove in. There were signs that it was all wrong but I forged ahead, determined not to have another relationship failure on the books. On a visit to see him in South Carolina, things turned ugly quick and before I knew it, an argument turned into me being left at Walmart with my car. I was seconds from a breakdown. When you are having this many emotions, a girl needs to phone a friend. Only my phone was dead. So I pulled into a gas station and asked if I could borrow a plug.  And there I was, sitting on the floor of a jiffy, crying near the nacho pump cheese station.

With all that had happened with Tony, Scott and Crazy, I needed a hiatus from dating. I remained emotionally challenged for the next year. In rare moments, all of the emotions I was bottling up would get the best of me but then I would pull it together and go on about my day. After two years in DC, I moved to Georgia for grad school. During my first semester, a professor told us that in order to truly help students we would need to face all of the skeletons in our own closet. I figured it was time to dig in to all of the stuff I was carrying around. Once I did, it just started to flow out of me. I have never cried so much in my whole life. I found a new level of honesty and a lot of acceptance. The hiatus made me stop looking outward and find fulfillment from inside of myself.

Up Next...Where I am now

A History of Dating: Part Two

 

Then Came Love

A few weeks after Lee, I left the bad boys behind and started dating Randall. He was intelligent, funny, a little shy, and incredibly talented on the ball field or with an instrument in his hand. He was my best friend, confidant and the first boy I ever loved. For three and a half years, we had a pretty solid relationship. He showed me what it meant to love someone else and the security that comes from having someone in your corner. We adored each other and I was perfectly content on the idea of spending the rest of my life with him. One of the things that I appreciated about our relationship was the support we gave each other to explore our interests. Unfortunately, we (or maybe just me) got so good at exploring independently of each other that we ended up disconnected and unable to find our way back. Randall wanted to build a life in our hometown and I wanted to get out and see the world. Our relationship quickly became a battle over him being upset that I never seemed to have time for him and my hounding him to apply for college. After two months of constant fighting, I called it quits on our relationship while on vacation in Hawaii… over email (definitely not my finest hour). I learned that no matter how great they are, some relationships are just not meant to last forever. I am so incredibly thankful for having had him in my life for that time. It was brutal losing my best friend and his family but in the end it was the best decision for both of us. I remain fond of my time with him because there is just something special about your first love.

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For the next few years, I focused on school and things I was passionate about. I discovered that you could hang out with boys you liked without actually being their girlfriend; after years of having a boyfriend that seemed like an appealing option to me. During the fall of my junior year of college, I met Tony Harris and he halted my “love them and leave them” approach when he asked me to go to the homecoming dance. I was not so sure about him in the beginning because I was very busy living my life but he was persistent throughout the week of homecoming and by the end of it, we were dating. Tony seemed to engulf me with his charming, life of the party personality. He was intelligent, driven and quite sweet to me. There was something about him that put me at ease and made me nervous all at the same time. It was not long before my days started and ended with him by my side. I just wanted to open up my whole heart to him but I had been planning to spend the spring semester in Washington, DC so we agreed to enjoy our time together and not to get too invested in a relationship. Unfortunately, my heart did not get on board with the plan. After a great semester together, I struggled when our relationship faded away as I left for the city.

When I returned from DC, I realized that my feelings for Tony had remained the same but he was living up his college years so we agreed that we would just be friends. Throughout my senior year, Tony and I continued to spend a lot of time together. The problem with two people who care about each other trying to be just friends is that you never quite have clear boundaries. And the problem for me being friends with someone I liked was that there were other girls, lots of other girls that cycled through. It began to feel like I was the girl waiting in the wings hoping that one day he would wake up, realize how stellar I was and choose me. Sometimes the person that you love and want to be with just does not reciprocate those feelings. After two semesters of what seemed like a roller coaster, I got off of the ride.

Stay tuned for part three!
 
Click here to read part one.

A History of Dating: Part One

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First Came Boys

I was pretty much crazy about boys for the minute that I noticed them in preschool. One particular boy caught my attention on the playground and the next thing I knew I was getting a talking to from my Momma about how it was not appropriate to kiss boys at school.  My first “boyfriend” was a family friend named Ryan who proposed to me with a ring out of the bubble gum machine in kindergarten. 

In 4^th grade, I discovered how to flirt and used it on my first crush, Matthew Allen. My success in flirting with Matthew led to elementary years that were occupied with many of crushes, long phone calls about nothing at all, and perfecting my skills in penning a love note.

By the 6^th grade, I had fully developed (girls, you know what I mean) and began to catch the attention of older boys which is the time period of dating that I call “the older the better”. My daddy was coaching my older brother’s baseball team and that created the ideal opportunity for my dating life. Boy, did I go through them.  I had my first kiss with a boy named Justin behind the concession stand at the ballpark. I know, I was way too young to be kissing but this is what happens when you are going with older boys.

In 7^th grade, I won the attention of a popular boy named Russell (who is now like a brother so it seems gross) and a whole group of girls who tried to beat me up daily because he liked me instead of them. I learned how cruel other girls could be and how much I liked being with someone who was protective of me, even though I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Clearly. Russell punched Chris for commenting on my behind. He got suspended and I got to go to the end of the year dance with his best friend instead.

In middle school, I discovered the bad boys. I was the ultimate good girl so, naturally, they were the perfect fit for me. I started going with Chris (yep, the same one Russell punched) who was surprisingly amazing to me but the allure of the bad boy had set in and I boyfriend hopped until I settled on Lee.  Daddy loathed Lee and forbid me to go out with him so, of course, I rebelled and experience my first bad relationship. Lee and I went out for six long months. In the beginning, everything was great (as it always is) and then it turned into a jealous, controlling mess. I began to lie to my friends and family to be able to see him and tried to paint the picture of a great relationship. In the end, I became a desperate, self-conscious, unhappy mess until Lee finally broke up with me after I hung up the phone on him one night during an argument.  Somewhere around making myself throw up my dinner and crying myself to sleep, I got myself together and vowed to never let anyone control my life again.

And then came love...