dear future self

Dear Future Self,

I have been thinking a lot about you lately, wondering about who you will be and all of the things you become.

Maybe you rediscovered this letter tucked away in your favorite copy of an old book, with pages that are falling out, as you sit in a corner of a little cafe in your favorite part of your city, wrapped up in your newest favorite cardigan, with your hair behind your ears, sipping coffee, escaping to have a moment for yourself. At least, that is how I picture you. Almost the same, yet entirely different.

My hope for you, or rather, the things I know to be probably true are that:

You get lost in the things that you love. You find yourself there too

Life is still an adventure

You helped a child fall in love with books by teaching them to read

The days you were labeled as everyone's cheerleader never stopped

Students send you notes updating you on their adventures because you made an impact in their lives

Maybe you finally got that PhD or chased the next dream job or maybe you didn't

You remain driven by purposeful work

Friendships fill your life with immense joy

Secretary remains your CSAA 2009 unofficial title. You still hope that you measured up to be the professional they thought you would be when they gave you the Miller award

You go to the mat every time you believe something is worth fighting for

Being a big sister has only grown sweeter as Dustin and Kyle have become great men

You wrote something that made someone think, act, or be more courageous with their own life

Your passport is full of stamps

All the kiddos call on you for life advice because you are the "cool" Aunt that discusses the tough stuff over chips and dip

Life knocked you down a few more times, it was a brutal teacher, but you learned

Your four parents feel proud of the daughter they raised

And your faith continues to challenge, support, and grow with you

I hope that the soundtrack to your life is the pitter patter of little feet and laughter, not any ole kind, but the kind that makes your stomach hurt. There are days you think you are failing miserably but you aren't. And that soccer team carpool might scare off others but your years of programming allow you to put together one heck of a day of show to manage it all. You will wonder how you ever had a life without them. Each day will be a new opportunity to teach them and fill their lives with love. Today, you are wondering who your children will become. I know Momma is your favorite title.

As you read this, I hope you smile thinking of the man you built a life with, the one who is your greatest teammate. You love him in ways you didn't know you could. You fight for and forgive each other when you hit turbulent roads. I know that you picked someone who knows the worst parts of you but helps you be the best version of yourself. Because of him, you don't always have to be so strong. His kiss on your forehead calms you. And for reasons he probably never articulates, he adores and protects you. While you have traveled the world, I know your favorite spot is with him.

You were fearful, at times, still will be, but you have emerged braver. With each day, you become more than you have ever been.

x.

Thank you Levo League for inspiring this post. 

the day i fell

"Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear.."
Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection

I prefer calculated leaps of faith where I have fully analyzed the situation and its options, talked it over with my confidants, and constructed a plan. There in that calculated leap of faith space, I am courageous. When heightened emotions cloud my logic and the next step is not clear, I do not feel so courageous. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, life does not always come in a cute little calculated package for you to unwrap.

So there I am running along having an in depth conversation with myself and the big guy upstairs.

My logic and my heart were in conflict. Two things were causing a stir in my life: 1. I was accepting that I have endometriosis and the pain each month was not going away. 2. My relationship got hit by an earthquake and probably would not make a comeback.

I was just running and running.. reflecting, processing, and praying that I was going to have the faith required of me to find acceptance, forgiveness, and strength.

Of course, I think that I can take control my emotions and create an action plan for how I will deal with something tough. I was pretty over feeling emotional, thinking I would just take charge, and then down I went.

Thank you, message heard loud and clear. I cannot control everything.

Why is falling in public such a epic event? I mean, really? I did not just fall. Oh, no. I tripped, thought I caught myself, tripped again, and then slid along the sidewalk as if I was sliding into home plate for the final point to win the game. 

I feel like the immediate reaction should be to get right up and save yourself from the embarrassment but I just laid there. After a few seconds, I got up and started walking, not quite ready to assess the damage yet.

And why is falling in public never without an audience? Along came a man on a motorcycle who had turned around when he witnessed my fall. Bless him, he was so kind. He asked if I was ok. Yes. Then he commented about how it was quite a fall and he worried that I was not getting up because I laid there so long. Well, I was not sure either. And did I need a ride home? No, I'm alright. Comfort from your falls can come in the most unlikely of places.

The fall was embarrassing, I skinned my hand up, and my shoe got muddy. My leap was not calculated, quite unplanned, and yet, all that really suffered was my pride (and skin on my palm). With my muddy shoe and bloody hand, I ran another three miles.

I have been thinking about that experience here and there over the last two months, usually with a laugh. My relationship did not last and I still have endometriosis. Those are facts. What I do with those facts are really the most important part. While uncomfortable at first, there is really good stuff on the other side of sitting (or laying) in your discomfort, getting up, brushing off the dirt, letting yourself heal, and keeping moving.

I am not sure that I will ever reach a point where I have no fear from my emotions or the things that are unknown. I can choose to have faith, to jump even when I have not ran all the analytics. In that space of faith and fear, there is strength and courage to become more than I have ever been. 

renew

Well, it has been almost four months since I last blogged. I have been getting a lot, "why are you writing" questions. Honestly, I appreciate that anyone ever reads what I write or that it creates a space for a shared experience or something to resonate with someone else or maybe it just helps us to keep in touch. While I am uncertain how much longer I will keep Grits & Gravy, I am renewing the space for this little blog in my life for now.

When I kicked off 2013, I did not write down specific goals that would serve as a checklist to mark off. It was a new challenge to myself. I needed some time to discover, and I've been doing that with adventures and even a few bumps. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed in making meaning of all my discoveries but I'm in it, exploring it, working through it, and defining it for myself... certain that you'll be reading about it soon.

Thank you for those of you who have been encouraging me back to the keyboard.

x.

dancing, dinner and cheerios

My past couple of weekends have been so busy that they seem more like I am going away on vacation, complete with a full list of activities, rather than the regular downtime I seek on those off days. I've been loving the time with friends and family though, filling my days off with great experiences and memories made. This past weekend was certainly no exception!

Friday night I set out for a night of dancing to celebrate my friend Jennifer's birthday. We sang along with the band and tore it up on the dance floor. I do not know about any of you but nothing decompresses me more than a good ole' dance party. It was the perfect celebration! She has exciting plans this year with her very own list, which I cannot wait to help her accomplish, and our trip to Greece. Here is to a great adventure this year, Jennifer!

Dancing with the birthday girl!

Saturday night I put away my dancing shoes to enjoy one incredibly delish meal at Grille One Sixteen. Mallory and I decided that rather than be those single people that hate Valentine's Day, we would celebrate our friendship and treat ourselves to one amazing meal. The food and service were impeccable. I had the scallops with grits for supper while Mal enjoyed the Salmon and Shrimp dish served with mashed sweet potatoes. Oh, and the dessert, oh wow! I think I was literally speechless during the amazingness that was happening at our table. First, we ordered coffees which came out in something more like a bowl rather than a the usual petite cup. Perfection. THEN. We ate the smore dessert. Yes, smore dessert. And, let's be honest, I am always trying to eat a smore. This one had peanut butter, chocolate ganache, vanilla ice cream, graham crackers, and marshmallow melted over the top. Really, it was too much for me to process. Still is. All of my favorite things in one dessert. Go and order it.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

After two fun filled evenings out, I woke up early on Sunday morning and headed to Orlando for little m's fourth birthday party at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique in Downtown Disney. The happiest place on Earth is not usually my thing but watching the little munchkin become her very own version of a princess was priceless. I was so happy to have been able to be there to experience it with her. And, of course, I always enjoy the moments I can sneak in with Melissa. The boutique was precious. If you have little ones who love the princes and princesses, this is definitely an experience for them.

Princess Madi Kate and Princess Mackenna

Knight Connor

I have to admit that the best part of the day for me was stealing time away with the kiddos watching cartoons and eating cheerios before we had to get ready to leave. I cherish these little moments with them because one day they will be big kids rushing off to hang out with their friends and not cuddling up on the couch over cheerios with their old Aunt Jessica.

Hanging with the little ones

Little M & Aunt Jessica

Me & Moster

What a memorable weekend it was, full of so many of my favorite people. Let's hope all this fun settles down so I can catch up on my blogging though - a lot to write about!

libra

I might have an abnormal love affair with my zodiac sign, I adore being a libra. The qualities most often associated with my sign are pretty true for me, even some of those less desirable qualities. When I was younger, my friend Laura and I would buy those books that had an entry for each day with your horoscope prediction. You know, before the internet when you had to buy books.

We would spend hours devouring that book while walking up and down our dirt road or locked away in our bedrooms. Laura and I would try to figure out what would happen in our lives and read each other passages. When things came to light, we would be excited and freaked out all at the same time. To this day, I still have a fascination with it all. I read my yearly horoscope prediction and pop in to get an annual reading from a family friend. Some of you may think this is crazy or sacrilegious but I remain intrigued.

{the positives}

{some less desirable, some I like}

You have read along as I have had a good bit of growth and development in my life: personally, professionally, and most certainly in my perspective on romantic relationships. As I read my yearly horoscope prediction for 2013, I felt comforted to know that there are some rewards coming my way for all of the hard work I have done these past several years. I did not need a horoscope to tell me that, my instincts are keenly aware, but it was sure nice to see it in black and white (true to my libra self).

My favorite passage stated,

"You have had enough lessons in love and commitment to last you a lifetime. Now you're ready to put those lessons to the test by pursuing your true calling and passion. No longer will you be satisfied with simply scratching the surface of life. You're prepared to go as deep as necessary to create something of lasting value. You want nothing less than the truth, and nothing short of profound meaning." ~ Courtesy of Shine from Yahoo

Hmm sounds like some of the things I have been writing about. If only an ounce of it is accurate, I'm in for what is sure to be a year full of some exciting things.

I welcome it all.

happy 2013

As I've been thinking about this year ahead, I was stumped to identify specific goals that I wanted to achieve. I'm a goal setting queen but this year I just could not bring myself to set a list of things to accomplish in my personal life. I kept thinking about what experiences I wanted more of and how I just wanted to embrace the unknown in the midst of what is sure to be another busy year, or so my calendar already indicates.

"Be comfortable with your restless nature. Choose not to be settled."

~ Alexandra Stoddard,  You Are Your Choices ~

I took a yoga class Thursday night, followed by a bath with a hot cup of tea and piece of dark chocolate. Bless that little Dove candy because inside of that wrapper was the statement, "renew your sense of discovery". That was it. So simple. A list of things to accomplish did not appeal to me but intentionally thinking about experiences I wanted more of, and that those could lead to new discoveries seemed to be right where my heart was/is.

This year, I hope to have more.... bubble baths, candles, stationary to write notes, hours to devour books, evenings on the yoga mat, afternoons in coffee shops, uncontrollable laughter, smores by campfire, days on the water, long runs, food that warms my soul, learning, plane rides to fulfill my wanderlust, questions to feed my curious mind, people to meet, evenings that turn into morning, appreciation, and sobremesa, which in Spanish refers to the richness of the experience people have together over a meal.

Happy 2013! Let the discoveries begin. x.

"Funny thing about joy, is that you only really find it when you 

are too busy having fun to go looking for it"

~ Leigh, Standley, Curly Girl Design ~