The dance

I never really bought into fairy tales as a little girl, I gravitated more towards complicated stories that were messy and imperfect, because I already knew that is how love would look sometimes. If I wrote a fairy tale though, it would probably be a lot like Beauty and the Beast because there are books, and dancing, and she is a little strong willed. Mostly... because of the dancing!

Dancing connects to me in a way I don't quite understand. When the movement begins, my mind stops working so hard. I've been dancing my way through the good and challenging in life for quite some time now, dreaming of that one who is always going to find their way to the dance floor with me.

I read a blog post by Hannah Brencher, that just wrecked me. Like, I read it several times while tears rolled down my face. Not a pretty cry. Like real big tears that blocked my view of the screen, made my nose runny, and laughter come out (a sign of my big cry). Some words just do that to you. You read them thinking, someone captured my heart right there in those words. 

I've been pretty dedicated to growing and developing these past few months. Not like I want to get through this moment and then I'll think about what I learned later. No, not like that. A lot like, I am going to pursue wisdom and understanding in places that make me incredibly scared, joyful, and vulnerable in ways that I don't even want to be with myself. I've been praying, A LOT. And growing, A LOT. 

There are moments when I want to rest, like this week, when I don't want to pray, or read, or write, because I know there is going to be something in it that I don't feel ready for. Even the good, this week. I am not even certain I am ready for that. In those moments of just not wanting to be vulnerable, my armor comes out. Now I know what it looks like when I fall to that, but I didn't fight it at first. I let it come over me until I read that post and then it was like a sweet whisper of, you don't have to put that on. I won't let you go, just trust me. 

I am reminded a lot in this season how uncomfortable I feel trusting others, even God, putting up barriers that others won't want to fight through. Desperately hoping that someone will, validated when they don't, praying that God will heal that space, and not trusting that He can. 

Then right there on my screen and right into my heart, God reminded me that I am already loved the way I dreamed of. He put that desire in me to love Him. I don't have to wait until the next song to find a partner. He is the most faithful, showing up in every beat of the song. When I twirl out, He watches me ever so closely, holding onto me, if only by my fingertips. He holds me tightly with strength, giving the confidence and fulfillment that only He can. When I step on His toes, He gives encouragement. I don't have to give a perfect performance or even know the steps. He will lead me. Just like that, in full surrender, I can let go. He's got me.